a trio/tripper and a motivational speaker

so, i had taken a bit of a break with this whole dating thing, and i have been praying that i would go on less dates.  why, do you ask?  it is truly quite simple... i want to meet my husband.  going on countless dates, is not fun, so i am trying to be more specific.

i had a guy email me, and he tried a completely different approach.  he had a youtube video in his profile, say what?  it was completely different, and i thought why not email him back. we emailed once or twice and then he wanted to speak on the phone.  so, i somewhat reluctantly gave him my number (probably not a good sign from day 1).  he then proceeded to schedule a phone date.  i guess, i shouldn't complain as guys calling is such a lost art, so i'll give him that.  he wanted to call the week i was out of town, so finding a time, i would have more than 5 minutes was challenging.  finally, i decided when i was driving home would be best.  i can honestly say, i have never had quite the convo.  i felt like was i was on a job interview/having my personality assessed.  it was crazy.  he would say things like, "so, what makes kelsey happy?"  as if, i wasn't on the phone... who talks about someone in third person when they are speaking to that person, so strange.  he owns his own company, so he is constantly thinking strategy and how to be more successful.  at the end of a very painful, somewhat comical conversation, he invited me to a toastmaster's meeting for a first date/meeting... i couldn't laugh hard enough.  i told him, i could think of nothing worse, as public speaking is my biggest fear in life.  i think he needs to scale it back a bit, if he wants to find a wife... HAVE FUN dude.  he didn't even get a nickname.

moving on to the next one, this is one of those that you are very hopeful, but at the end of the day there is no connection.  we emailed for two weeks, talked on the phone for a week... yall, we had a lot in common.  he loved sports, he loved kids, he was up for trying new adventures, he LOVED Jesus, and so much more.  there were also a few caution flags (he talked more than me, how is this even possible, and he was Southern Baptist and sang in a Southern Gospel Trio - like they performed and traveled every Sunday around NC and SC).  i was raised Southern Baptist, this isn't necessarily a dealbreaker, but in my early 20s, i figured out my faith on my own, and i wanted away from the hell, fire, and brimstone preaching.  i wanted to hear more about a loving relationship with God.  we finally met on Saturday for lunch.  there was no connection/attraction/chemistry and i could tell immediately.  i was so bummed and discouraged, as i thought there could be something there.

i continue to pray for God's perfect timing.  you just have to keep going.

this one has a lot of nicknames

so, i absolutely love that my friends are into this nickname thing, it is quite fun coming up with the nickname.  i really hope my future husband enjoys that he too will have a nickname, but i surely hope he gets a sweet one in the beginning!  so, we have a new guy that has entered the scene folks.  i haven't met him yet, and typically i try not to blog about it until i meet him, but i felt like i had enough material to go ahead and start one.  so, said guy's nicknames are sweettalkintodd or ladder31.  you see, my best friend since the great age of 5 is playing matchmaker.  she doesn't typically like this role, as she has tried before and it didn't work out.  she met sweettalkintodd at a fire conference with her husband last year and then saw him again this year.  so, she set this in motion and here we are.  you see, he quickly became "STT" for short because from the very first text he sent me, he has called me "sweetie."  this makes me want to vomit.  now don't get my wrong, eventually one day, i am sure if my boyfriend or husband wants to call me sweetie or some sweet name, i will be okay with it, but to me someone calling me that that has never once met me, it feels cheap.  it is probably something he calls every girls he talks to.  literally, every text he addresses to me, has the word sweetie in it, which makes it difficult for me to want to respond.  STT also keeps his name because all he does is text, which is this girls number one pet peeve.  (ladder31 comes from the fact that he is a fire fighter and he is 31 years old.)

so, in the week or so he has had my number, he has only called once.  he has texted me everyday, but he only texts twice a day, with the exactly same robotic text daily... "good morning sweetie or beautiful" in the morning and then "goodnight sweetie, hope you had a good day."  if someone could please explain to me how i am supposed to get to know someone by two simple texts a day, i would love to know.  literally, he doesn't ask questions, doesn't call, and this girl is already super annoyed.  so, last night i called him out on it... think that did any good, absolutely not.  i mean, i'd really like to get to know him, the one conversation we did have, he seemed super nice.

we have a date planned for this coming sunday, but this weekend i had my saturday night open up so i offered to him.  any single girl knows, opening up one of your prime weekend nights to a guy you do not know is huge.  i texted him (his favorite means of communication) on friday and told him and offered to meet him at the halfway point (um, how nice is that) and he said, "well... i will have to let you know if i can work that out."  well, okay, not exactly one of the two responses i was expecting, but okay, STT, you do that, and let me know.  this Type A girl wanted a response ASAP, just a simple yes or no, but of course, he never bothered to follow back up.  so at 9:30pm saturday night he texted me and said his typical goodnight message.  i was so annoyed and irritated.  so, of course, with my no filter, i called him out and asked why he at least didn't let me know one way or the other.  he said, he didn't want to bother me?  say what?  i explained to him that if a girl offers to go out with you earlier, that means she wants to go, that isn't bothering her?  i told him we could just call it miscommunication, but in all honesty, i was very clear in my communication to him, he just didn't get it???

you are probably wondering why i am even still considering going on date that is planned for sunday, well because i know i am quirky, i know i have super high standards, and i know that sometimes i can make assumptions and so, i am trying really hard to give him a chance.  maybe he will surprise me on sunday in person.  i have a work trip that requires three hours of driving tomorrow evening and we are supposed to talk then, so we will see.

on a side note, my great neighbors/friends have maybe convinced me to try christian mingle.  i am going to pray about it this week, but i guess i figure why not, at least i would have a little more confidence that the guy signed up on a christian dating website, right?

update:: STT or ladder31 never followed up on taking me out or meeting for dinner or coffee.  for lack of a better explanation, i think it is safe to say that he was just clueless.  i literally sent him a text saying the following "So, I told myself I would give it until today (Sunday the day of the planned date).  When we spoke last Wednesday, we discussed and I thought made tentative plans to meet today/tonight.  Since you haven't called all week and today came and you made no mention of it... I think it is safe to say, this isn't going anywhere.  Not exactly sure what it is, but I just want to meet a guy who wants to genuinely get to know me and take me out so he can get to know me better.  So with all of that, I think we can move on and say good luck and be just fine:)"  to which i got a simple reply an hour later, that said, "Ok well good luck"  

folks, i cannot make this stuff up, i say it all the time, so another one bites the dust.

melvin, such a memorable one

i thought i'd quickly write about this one... it is a good one.  note to self:: don't ever agree to go on a blind date with a wish mom's nephew.  i was a new wish granter in 2008 and had just moved to charlotte.  said wish mom asked if i was single, to which the answer unfortunately is always, yes.  maybe i should wear my biological father's engagement ring he had given to my mother many moons ago and say, no to avoid this question, always.  back to story... she then proceeded to go on and on about her nephew that she would LOVE to set me up with. i was very hesitant only knowing this lady for all of five minutes, but a lunch or dinner can only last so long, right?  i actually tried to avoid her follow up calls pertaining to this set up, but she was very persistent, i'll give her that. so, she preceded to tell me that her nephew's name was, get ready... "Melvin."  oh dear, what a name.  my best friend, holly, has a thing with names, and usually it doesn't bother me, but for some reason this one did... what a name, haha.  so, he called and i could tell he was very country.  many of you who know me, know that i have a thick southern accent, so this wasn't off putting to me, too much, but this was that real country!  so we talk on the phone once or twice and then he tells me that he wants to take me to, get ready... Ruth's Chris, say what?  for a first date, um... let me think on that one, NO.  what if he is missing teeth, what if i cannot carry on a conversation with him face to face, i can think of nowhere that would be worse.  so i had to legitimately explain why i didn't want to go there, haha.  still to this day, haven't been and would love to, but that wasn't the appropriate time.  so, we agreed on a lunch date at chili's.  he shows up, mind you, i still haven't seen him, and he was literally the skinniest guy i think i have ever seen.  last time i checked, i was not a size 0 and never have been, so this was a huge turn off to me.  on top of this, he had on wrangler jeans circa 1990 with a braided belt, loafers, and a blue/yellow checkered short sleeve button up... i honestly couldn't believe it.  i know i sound super shallow right now, but this outfit was something a grandpa might wear, the braided belt about sent me over the edge.  regardless, we went in and had lunch and the conversation was just straight up painful.  we had absolutely nothing in common.  after the 45 minute lunch, we walked outside and he said, "i'd love to do this again sometime."  i said, "thank you so much for lunch.  have a great day."  i really hope he found someone that he had lots in common with, but good ole melvin wasn't for me.

taking a break

so, i've been praying a lot about this, but i closed my match.com account today.  i need a break from the first dates that go horribly wrong, from the exhausting emails and phone conversations, and from letting "not the right ones" know details about me.  while many of my single girlfriends may find dating fun or even think of it as a hobby, i do not.  i am not necessarily taking a break from dating, if friends want to set me up with someone who legitimently could be a great potential that would be wonderful, but i need a break from the online dating world.

it is funny, about two years ago, i prayed all the time for dates.  i felt so alone, so unattractive (that is a whole other story, my struggle with self esteem/confidence), etc and God has answered that prayer, but now my prayer has changed.  i no longer want to go on dates, i just want to date my husband.  dating, especially the wrong guys, these weirdos, can leave you feeling more empty and lonely.  i know that sounds strange, but unless you've experienced a season of going on several first dates, you probably just do not understand.

i am not saying i will never do online dating again, let's face it i work from home (by myself), my church community is AWESOME (but not thriving in the single's community), and i am not sure where else i would meet someone.  until then i am going to pray that God will give me patience in the waiting, that i will be joyful/thankful for the awesome friends i have, and that i will be the future wife to my husband one whenever God decides it is time for me to meet him.

party like a rock star

all guys get a nickname, some are better than others, a nickname isn't always bad, but this one as you can imagine isn't a good one to start out with.  this one is brought to you by another online dating guy, which the next post will provide you with an update where i stand with all of that, but here goes...

"party like a rock star" seemed like a very nice guy, a little younger than me (27) and we all know i am pretty mature for my age, so i approach younger than me with caution to start.  he grew up in GA, loves nascar and has always wanted to be a driver.  he is actually best friends with a current driver in the big series, and when he first moved to charlotte that is what he did, he worked for said best friend, on his team.  now, he works in sales as a brake distributor for the smaller circuit, maybe dirt track races or something of that nature.  our first two phone conversations were great, i laughed a lot, but there were caution flags (no pun intended here with the nascar theme, ha).  he mentioned that he loves to head to the lake and his group of friends loves to drink.  he said when his guy friends get a night off from their girlfriends and wives, they party hard to the point of blacking out.  my reaction:: say what?  i am 30 years old and never have i reached a point of blacking out, nor do i desire too.  i rarely drink, more just on a casual/social basis with friends, so this is one of the most unattractive things to me.  well, there are a lot of unattractive things, but this ranks high up there.  he tried to tell me that he is somewhat done with this phase of his life, and i am just not sure if i believe it.  not trying to be judgmental, just based off of our continued conversations, i am thinking he is not.

regardless, i still met him prior to my haiti trip, and it was a less than thrilling meeting.  i mean, he was so incredibly nice, but there wasn't really a spark, and as with so many of the guys on match... his faith just doesn't seem important.  he said he was raised southern baptist, but has lived in charlotte for over a year and doesn't currently attend a church. 

i was going to give him a second chance and maybe at least try to grab a bite to eat with him, but now i am thinking what is the point, if he isn't the one, he just isn't.  another bites the dust!

old school:: senior prom

i am doing a throwback post tonight from my senior prom, because honestly it is just one of those stories that is just too good to not be documented, haha.  it surely wasn't funny at the time, but now i can look back and realize how dumb i was at 18.

my senior prom, it was supposed to be the most fun, but it was far from that.  to date, in my 18 years, it was one of the worst nights...in high school i was a bit dramatic, i'd like to say i am far less as i have matured, but i do embrace my dramatic side, haha.  i went with my the guy that i thought at the time that i loved more than anything, haha.  i would do anything for him.  we had dated off and on and been an "item" off and on since 8th grade.  [sidenote: he got into some trouble, missed a lot of school, and basically dropped out of school. he wasn't going to be able to go to our prom, so i stepped in and asked him to go as my date, and i thought this was going to be the best night of my life. i just knew that he was going to confess his love for me and we were going to be as happy as two people could be. after all, secretly, this is what he was telling me all the time.] one of my best friends at the time, katie, and i were so happy, we didn't know what to do. i was going to my senior prom with the guy that i had basically been in love with since 7th/8th grade, what could go wrong. one minor detail, did i mention, he had a girlfriend? the only good thing i had going for me was that she was a year older and had already graduated, so there was no way she was coming to my prom and ruining my night, right? i am so excited, the prom is in about two weeks, and you guessed it... i found out that he has found another senior to take his girlfriend... as you can imagine, i am crushed. to my 18 year old self, this was the most devastating news, EVER. about a week before the prom, his grandmother called to find out if i had gotten a corsage, i said no, not yet, but that if he couldn't take care of that, my dad would get mine. at this point, i'm thinking, things are not looking good, but i continued to be hopeful. our friends had all rented a stretch escalade, which we were all very excited about and planned to meet up at one of the guy's houses beforehand for pictures. i arrive and my date is nowhere to be found. my friend katie and her boyfriend at the time, tim are desperately trying to cheer me up and provide hope, but i knew things were not looking good. eventually he shows up with his girlfriend. you should probably know there was no room for her in the stretch escalade, so apparently they arranged for her to ride in a lexus following closely behind us (this can't get any worse, right?). please keep reading. his tux matches her dress, his boutonniere matched her dress, the list could keep going. i was completely crushed, like i am pretty sure my heart was in a million pieces, but i was determined to give him multiple chances, because this was "our" night (remember i was 18). if you are wondering, he does acknowledge me, at some point. many of the moms there knew how much i liked him (so i thought loved) and made him take a few snapshots with me... i am pretty sure my mom and grandmother could have killed him. (i wish you guys could have seen them). they wanted me to leave and go meet up with lindsey and crystal, but i refused. so, off we go to get our professional pictures made. we arrive at the studio. now, of course, i am so excited to have professional pictures made with him, and i hear him say, well i only have money to get my picture made with my girlfriend. i immediately reach my breaking point, run to the bathroom, and start crying. tim (katie's boyfriend) runs to the rescue and offers to have his picture taken with me, so i don't have to be alone in my pictures (even typing this i am thinking does this really happen, how pathetic). the photographer overhears what is going on, and he steps up and says, i'll wave the setting fee for your date, he can be in the pictures, but he won't be able to get any of the pictures. so, my date pays for his pictures with his girlfriend and then has his picture made with me. it was awful, the whole room was giving him evil looks, meanwhile everyone wants to pick me up and take me out of there. the photographer is saying things like, "get a little closer, act like you love each other." we survive the picture studio, just barely and we head to dinner at a japense steakhouse. don't worry, he doesn't sit by me, nor does he pay for my dinner... he pays for hers, so i call my parents and ask if i can use their credit card (or maybe they were going to put more money in my account, something like that), which they of course said yes. i'm pretty sure malia walker was already out of the driveway on her way to get me, but i had to calmly get her to reverse the car, haha. so now it is time to finally go to the prom. we stopped at a gas station first, and "my guy" gets me in the limo by myself, i was crying again, and he gets in the floor and he starts telling me that it is going to be okay, that we are going to have a good time at the prom, he is going to escort me in, and we are going to dance, yada yada... then he kisses me. (of course, no one knows, it was all secretive.) seriously, why didn't i smack him upside of his head??? so, we get out of the limo, he has proceeded to take off his button up, so now he only has a vest and jacket on... he escorts his girlfriend into the prom, dances with her, and leaves me at my senior prom... he actually never spoke to me. at the after prom party, he told my friend katie, that i deserved what i got and i had to hear him say it...(he actually called me a few choice words, but i'll keep the blog g-rated)

we didn't speak for nearly 6 years, until katie's wedding day. i have no hard feelings now, it is in past, and honestly i know it was God's protection that i left Lincolnton and went to college and we never spoke again.

i sure know how to pick them... so fun!

the music man

so, i have been laying low on the dating scene lately and truly trying to trust what is in God's plan.  i signed up for six months on match, so it was about to end soon, on may 27th.  match has a sixth  month guarantee, if you do not meet someone, they will give you six more months for free, not going to lie, i feel so stupid that i would qualify for this, but at this point, i cannot have any pride.... i hide nothing, ha.  it was exactly one week before my initial six months was to end, i'd still been checking out the "daily matches," but that was about it.  i didn't know if God was trying to tell me to close my account on the 27th or opt into the additional six months.  so, a week prior, i was about to go to bed and was looking through the matches, and a guy pops up that i could hardly believe (haha, i laugh at myself, please feel free to join me)...

here is a quick run down
* he works in financial sales at a bank - is employed, haha
* he talked about his faith and how that was a deal breaker for him (somewhat rare on match in general) - seriously AWESOME
* he is a part time music ministry coordinator at a church (definitely know that his faith is important)
* he likes country music (um, love this)
* he likes four wheelers and target shooting (country boy - check)
* he was cute
* huge carolina fan (GO HEELS)

so, i immediately called lindsey jo and told her and her fiance about said guy.  lindsey is constantly telling me that her and andy are praying for me and my future husband.  so, i just ask them to pray for clarity, God's will, me to have patience, for this guy to contact me (email me via match), etc.  andy said, "well, kelsey, do you want us to pray right now?"  note:: we should all make it a habit to pray more often for our friends/family on the spot.  i have never in my entire life, heard such a sweet prayer.  the fact that God has sent a man to my best friend, who loves her so  much, and in turn, he loves her best friend... is seriously the best.  i was crying through the whole prayer.

so, back to the post and said guy, he emailed me the next night!!! without boring all of you with lots of random facts about said guy, whose real name was jeremy, but lindsey gave him the nickname of "the music man, we got to know the surface level stuff and had so much in common.  i couldn't believe it.  he was so responsive, asked a lot of questions, and asked me out, i was excited.  this surely isn't my first rodeo, so i didn't start planning my wedding, but i was genuinely hopeful that i was maybe going to meet a normal guy who loved Jesus.

so, friday night was date night.  we went to an italian place in the university area, which was so delicious.  highly recommend Ciro's if any of you are in the area.  afterwards, we walked around the lake and listened to live music. we talked a lot.  he was very attentive and asked lots of questions.  we ended the night by finding a park bench and sitting and talking for another hour, so it was four hours!!!  i honestly didn't see how this date could go wrong.  well, the last five minutes, is exactly how it went wrong.  while i know this part of any date is nerve-racking for anyone, usually you can say the standard, "i had a good time.  i'd love to do it again sometime. drive safe. and call it grace, but this is not how our closing of the date went down at all.  while he walked me to my car... he said, "so, it was a nice night.  i had a nice time...." gave me a side hug, to which i said, "i had a great time, it was very nice to meet you."  (still nothing on his part) so i said, "have a great rest of your weekend and enjoy your saturday."  he says, "yeah absolutely you too and please be safe driving home." now, to most this may not be a big deal, but i cannot explain my gut feeling or instincts here, all i know is that i knew in that moment that he more than likely did not have a good enough time to ask me out again.

oddly enough, i didn't have his number.  i had given him mine through email earlier in the week, in case he wanted to call to iron out our details or if he should need it for friday, but he never gave me his.  i wanted to text him and thank him for dinner, as i tend to always forget, but i wasn't able.  i asked a few friends their opinion and they said email him on saturday morning.  so, i did and i haven't heard a peep from him.  again, i am sure some of think this is normal ,part of some guy code or something, but i am not buying it. 

regardless, i am a little bummed, but this isn't my first time dealing with rejection.  i am trying harder than i have ever tried before to trust HIS plan and to remember that there is nothing i can do to fix this.  His plans are always better, and I need to give it all to him.

UPDATE:: he did have enough respect to at least email me back and say that he isn't interested, which i appreciate.  honestly, it speaks volumes to someone's character if they tell you without just disappearing, so kudos to him for that!

the new trend

so, now the new thing is guys want to face time or skype before meeting, okay they are taking this technology thing a little too far, what in the world?!?  would it be so awful to meet for coffee and not date through technology.  the other night a guy asked if we could skype and i said, "no, i prefer to date in person and not have a relationship through modern technology."  what in this world guys, get a clue, girls do not want to date through texting, facetime... take it old school.  it is funny, i got a text from one of my good friends here in charlotte, of some beautiful flowers.  no lie, a guy she was going out with last night, showed up at her door, brought her flowers, opened her door, took her to dinner, and brought her back home:)  i was so encouraged that there are guys that still know how to treat a girl:)

an oldie but a goodie

i think this one was my very first online dating experience date, so this was a few years back (don't remind me how long or many times I have tried this, but know that you don't have memberships forever - you have to pay for "subscriptions or memberships by the months). 

this guy, worked for BoA uptown, he was good a bit older than me, but seemed realy nice, so we talked on the phone for a while and then planned to meet up. we made plans to meet in a huge shopping center parking lot, because i don't ever let these guys know wehre i live at first, and our plan was to go to Miro (in Ballantyne) and then possibly ice skating.  you see, i had just had knee surgery and had just finished PT and recovering from it, which i told him, but apparently he still thought this would be a good idea.  generally or if the above had not happened, i would have been 100% on board. 

so, we meet up, go to dinner.  dinner was fine, but it is truly unnecessary to spend over 100 on dinner.  i was still pretty new to professional working scene, so this just seemed like too much for a first date.  i still feel like money could be used elsewhere, but i have a shopping addiction, so no judgment here, ha.  after dinner, we headed to the ice skating rink.  it should be noted that i had had pretty serious knee surgery about 4 months prior, so i had had PT for months and had just been released, which he knew.  i am actually pretty good at skating (ice and roller), but when he tried to couple's skate with me on ice, i nearly slapped him.  i thought, if you make me fall and i have to go back to PT, we will have major issues.  we quickly ended the iceland adventure, so we headed to get coffee... he talked and talked, and i did not.  i thought the marathon date would never end.  i am pretty sure he said at some point at coffee, he was ready to get ready, STAT.  i was terrified, and needless to say, we didn't go back out... but he is so normal in comparison:)

such a great article...

http://thechristianpundit.org/2012/08/15/it/

the above article sums it up pretty well.  i'd rather be single than settle, so i'll keep praying and waiting.  God is faithful and has a plan.  the bottom line:: Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ.  in case you can't click on the link, here is the copy and pasted article...

My husband and I were once with a youth group. There were three kids sitting across from us at a meal: two guys and a girl. The one guy was a computer geek with glasses. The other one was a college student with slightly cooler hair and no glasses. The girl was obviously with him. But while the computer geek was busy serving everyone at the meal, clearing plates and garbage, the college student got angry with the girl for a small accident and poured red juice over her leather jacket and white shirt. She picked the wrong guy, and the juice didn’t seem to change her mind. She is in for some grief if that relationship continues and especially if it leads to marriage.

So to all the young, unmarried Christian girls out there, listen up: who you marry matters. You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change. It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues.
Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living.

1. It will impact you spiritually. If the guy is not a believer, you can stop right there. You have no business yoking a redeemed soul with an unregenerate one, even if he seems open to change. Christ has bought you with a price and it is not an option to give away that blood bought heart to someone who doesn’t know and love your Lord. It will cripple your spiritual development, open up a host of temptations, stifle your prayer life, make regular church going difficult, and cause massive parenting conflict if you have children.
If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Bible reading, family devotions, and public worship? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Christ, or will he leave that to your pastor? Is he going to lead the children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? In church, is he going to help the kids sit well, pray, find the hymn, or will you be the one pointing out what is happening next and helping the family keep up? Many women have married spiritually immature men, thinking that it wasn’t a big issue, or that the man would change, and they were wrong. They bear the scars.
The health of your eternity is at stake. Think carefully.

2. It will impact you emotionally. Is the guy you’re thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re having a hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with something or will he be preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be annoyed when you cry or will he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is he going to going to understand that you are probably more tender than he is, more sensitive to issues and comments, or is he regularly going to run rough shod over your feelings? One woman was struggling to breastfeed her new baby, believing that that was the best thing for her, but it was very difficult. Instead of giving support and encouragement, the husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife working at it. We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have emotional needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self esteem is selfish and should be left alone.
Be careful – a husband can cripple or foster emotional health.

3. It will impact you physically. Is the guy you’re with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter, clothe and feed you? At one point in our marriage, I was worried that there was no employment opportunity. My husband assured me that he would work at McDonalds, dig ditches, clean up roadkill – whatever it took to provide for the family, regardless of his gifts and training. That’s the kind of attitude you want. A man who doesn’t provide for his household is worse than an infidel (I Tim. 5:8). You might have to help ease the financial burden, but unless your husband is disabled or there is another unusual circumstance, you shouldn’t have to carry it yourself.
Will the man you are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives you little smacks, kicks, etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s almost guaranteed that he will abuse you after marriage, and stats show that’s especially true when you are pregnant. Is he going to care for and protect your body or will he hurt it? There are women in churches across America who thought it was no big deal to have little (sort of friendly) punches or slaps from their boyfriends, but who are covering up the bruises from their husbands.
Will the man you are with care for you sexually? Is he going to honour the marriage bed in physical and mental faithfulness to you or will he flirt, feed his porn addiction, or even leave you for another woman? You can’t always predict these issues, but if the seeds or practices are already there, watch out. I recently saw a newly married couple and the husband was flirting openly with another woman. Unless something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster.
Is he going to be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving co-worker once told my sister that after her first sexual encounter, she had trouble walking for a few days because her boyfriend was so rough. In other words, he wasn’t selfless enough to care for the body of the woman he said he loved.
Watch out. Your body needs care and protection.

4. It will impact you mentally. Is the man that you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you deal with your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual development, or will he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? Is he going to help you manage stress so that your mind is not burdened that way, or is he going to let you struggle through issues alone? Is he going to care for you and be thoughtful of you if you are experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? I know of a woman who could handle pregnancy and child birth very well physically but postpartum depression took a huge toll on her mind. The husband overlooked it, continuing to have more children, until his wife ended up in a mental institution.
You might think that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than you think. Consider it seriously.

5. It will impact you relationally. How’s your relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your boyfriend? Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your mother is coming for the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry? Making snide jokes with his friends? Of course, a husband should come first in your priority of relationships, as you both leave father and mother and cleave to one another. But parents are still a big part of the picture. Whatever negative feelings he has about your parents now will probably be amplified after marriage. Your marriage will either strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship with your parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now could be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them.
It’s the same with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at reasonable times, in your home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage healthy relationships with other women, or will he be jealous of normal, biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor younger women and be thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle that?

Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t value the people who love you.
So how will your boyfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or difficult. True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great. Marriage to the wrong person is a nightmare. I’ve been in a church parking lot where the pastor had to call the police to protect a wife from a husband who was trying to stop her from worshiping and being with her family. It’s ugly. Don’t be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry someone whose leadership you can’t follow. Don’t marry someone who is not seeking to love you as Christ loved the church. Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ.

Do's and Don'ts for Guys:: Online Dating Edition

i wish i could say that i am making this up, but i am not.  i was talking to some friends the other day and they were talking about how popular online dating has become.  it is true, so many people do it, it has become somewhat like an online "bar" if you will.  terrible feeling knowing you are paying for it, but it is less and less expensive, so along with the hidden gems comes the players and the scum bags (sorry, i have no other words for them) just like at bars.  i hated bars and the bar scene in college and my feelings haven't changed a bit.

lately, i have had some real class acts or winners, if you will.  i posted in a previous post my frustrations, so no need for that.  what i will say to any single girl who is reading this, please be careful.  there are so many people out there, online dating or not, that do not have good intentions, but they are good at covering this up.  regardless, i thought i'd share my own version of some do's and don'ts in case some guys may happen to see this, please pay attention.  so, here goes...

Do actually READ her profile. (i have no idea what the percentage is, but most do not)

Do pay attention to what she says, RESEPCT her wishes.

Do call.  (enough said)

Do plan a date. (Be intentional)

Do take the time to get to know her, don't rush into things.

Do have fun.

(A guy once told me that he tries to remember that he has a sister that is dating and he would never want her being treated with disrespect or poorly, so he tries to respect girls he is dating by hoping and praying that guys are respecting his sister just the same.... maybe try thinking about it like that.)

Now for the don'ts (or at least in my book)::

Don't ask her within three minutes of getting her number to send you a pic, really?  Didn't you see the pics I have posted on my profile and see that they are updated, not from 5 years ago.  I rarely if ever take pictures of myself and would never take a "selfie" as they call it, so please do not ask me to do this.  One guy admittedly said that he asks for it so he can save the picture with the girls name/number in his phone, as he can't keep them all straight, my response, "Wow."

Don't text a girl to get to know her.  Text messages serve a great purpose, when you need to tell someone something, but don't need to call and have a conversation, or if you just want to tell someone you are thinking of them or praying for them, or if you want to have a quick little exchange.  Text messages, in my book, are not to get to know each other over hours of broken convo back and forth.  It is so not personal, and I cannot stand it.  I actually tell every guy on match this and 99% do not listen or care, they still do it and do not call.

Don't ask a girl in appropriate questions during those initial conversations via text or phone.  Keep in mind that you haven't met her and this is your first impression.  Tonight a guy asked me via text, within ten to fifteen minutes of me giving him my number, "What is the sexiest thing you've ever done for a guy?"  - I responded by saying, "this question is inappropriate and what happened to questions like, What is your favorite type of music?"  I then said, "don't think we should continue texting and like I already told you, I prefer to have actual conversations."  I know I may sound harsh, but I was only protecting myself.

Don't abuse the fact that she gave you her number.  In other words, don't smother her with 200 text messages a day, there is a thing called a J-O-B, we all have to go to it, so remember, slow and steady wins the race.

Don't tell her something just to impress her... she will find out.

Don't lie.

Don't post millions of pic of you posing in front of the mirror, what I refer to as "mirror shots," 9 times out of 10, I don't talk to a guy that has them, in my opinion that are trashy.  Also, it goes along with that whole "selfie" thing noted above... just not for me, but may work for others.

More than anything, be true to who you are and don't try to put on a front like you are someone you are not.  If you are looking for a hook-up, say it, sadly there are girls out there looking for the same.  If you are genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship, state that and let your actions back up your words.

Good gracious, this "90 year old" needs to go to bed and needs to end her match.com subscription swift, quick, and in a hurry.  Please, Dear Lord, send me a good, old fashioned, country boy that loves Jesus!!!

true thoughts and some funny ones recently

so, one day i will want to remember all of this information.  in some ways, i think this is more therapeutic for me than anything.  in all honesty, i tried to date RJ for a second round but that just backfired, but i think it is important for me to figure things like this out for myself.  one of my very best friends, crystal, always tells me that i solicit to many opinions, and i have to say that in this case, i agree with her.  i have never felt so overwhelmed from everyone's opinion on what was right or wrong in this case.  i value my friend's opinions so much though, so it is hard for me not to tell them what is going on.  regardless, i think my friends should know me well enough to know that i am NEVER going to date someone seriously or much less marry someone who does not put God first in his life.  while he can promise me the world, tell me whatever he wants, i think sometimes it takes a few dates to figure this out (you have to see the fruit or see how he lives his life).  you cannot pick this up in two hours of hanging out with someone.  so, with all of that, i now know with 110% confidence that he is not for me.

so, i am kind of reaching a point of complete frustration, apathy, and probably some other things that i just can't think right now, haha.  truthfully, i have been writing the same things in my journals for 15 years, no lie.  you would think at 30, God would maybe just take this desire away, so i would just know and move on.  the thing is i am doer, i cannot sit still, not my thing at all, so i have felt better about being single by knowing that it wasn't for lack of effort on my part.  i have tried online dating several times, but honestly i am tired of paying money for something that just hasn't worked.  so, for now, i just have to submit and surrender, and remember that i cannot control this.  i am going to sit back and do nothing. 

i wish we all could see what our lives look like in the future, because if i knew i was never going to get married, i would probably move to a third world country and love on some babies.  at least then, i would know that my spiritual gifts would be used, i would be so happy loving on babies... maybe one day, who knows.  don't get me wrong, i love my life, i really do.  i love my job, love my life here, love my family, and friends, etc... but sometimes i wonder.

i am going to focus on becoming the woman God wants me to be.  praying more.  studying His word more, and just enjoying this season of my life:)

a couple funny things....

i just got an email on match from a guy who said, "hello.  i like your profile.  i am new to the area, from ohio.  what is your heritage?"  i mean, really... heritage, what in this world, haha. 

i had another guy, who was 57 email me... okay, really... my parents are 58 and about to turn 60... if you are old enough to be my dad, i don't care how hot you once were or think you are, FORGET ABOUT IT.  that makes me want to vomit.

are you all sensing why i might want to take a break?  yeah, i thought so.

just not my type...

so, i'll take you back to december.  this guy emailed me, seemed pretty normal, immediately talked about his faith, and so we exchanged numbers.  there is no general rule that i have as to when i will give a guy my number, more of just a general sense or feel as to how i feel it is going, ha.  so he called, convos went well for about a week or maybe a little longer, but i could tell he was a talker.  as any one who knows me, you know i like to talk, so a guy that talks equally as much or more, is typically not good for me, haha.  regardless, we continued to get to know each other.  all of this was during the holidays, so he never once asked to meet up.  this is actually not out of the norm, i didn't sign up to have a phone/texting relationship.  it is straight up annoying.  one sunday after church he called, and i was already frustrated that he had made no plans to meet up, but he tells me that he is possibly going to get a manicure, SAY WHAT???  now, please don't let me offend any readers or their husbands/boyfriends for that matter, but remember i grew up in lincolnton, in the country.  i guess, the best way for me to put this is that i want a country boy.  while i would love for him to present himself well (dress well), i can work on that later, and i surely don't want someone who spends more time on himself or takes longer to get ready than i do.  i told him i wasn't interested and left it at that.

fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, he reached back out and wanted to take me to dinner, so we went to dinner.

let me first tell you a funny story.  so i thought may i heard him wrong back in december about the manicures, so he text me to see finalize plans and i was actually getting a mani/pedi and told him this.  his response, no lie... "i am so jealous."  DO WHAT??  he said, "there should be a rule against guys rocking ugly feet in flip flops."  i thought i was going to do fall out.  too much for this girl.  i need a man's man!!!

so dinner... i will start by saying he was dressed VERY well, he looked very nice, but that won't get you far if your personality isn't of interest to me.  homeboy literally didn't stop talking during a three hour date, except for maybe 20 minutes total.  at times, i tried very hard to interrupt, which i try not to do, but that didn't even get him to hush.  he literally loved to talk about himself and all of his accomplishments.  there wasn't one thing in this world that he couldn't do... a true know-it-all.  he said, "the only repair person i have ever had at my house is the AC guy.  i do it all, fix my own cars, build everything..." the list goes on and on.  also, he tells me that he hasn't ever had any desire to be rebellous at all, now this may sound like a dream, but he literally said, "i don't think i have ever broken any rule or disobeyed the law."  i laughed at dinner.  that may be the only time i laughed, but i couldn't believe it... what in this world.  i mean, i am rule follower, but in high school my friends and i were stupid and we enjoyed doing silly things.  i loved sneaking out of my house to go to yesterdays (a "club" where you could be 14 to get in on friday nights), i loved driving after 9, even though we weren't supposed to, all kids go through this stage, right???  i mean, he said, the one and only thing he has ever failed at in his life was his marriage.  he was married at 21 and divorced at 30, but even then he said, that she left him and it was kind of out of his control.  i don't think anything has ever been more unattractive, there was no humility or humbleness to this guy.  NOT FOR ME.

while i'd be the first to say that i have so many quirky things about me, this guy was a doozie.  it stinks though because he is a great christian guy, but our personalities did not mesh... another one bites the dust.

sometimes i get tired...

some decisions just aren't easy...

so, i'm sure i'll be back to my funny dating stories soon.  i keep telling some of my close girlfriends who are single they need to do a guest post, seriously they have some stories.  as i always say, we really cannot make this stuff up!

so, i haven't written much lately, as i had actually made it to four dates with one guy... that is big time for this girl!  four dates that i actually wanted to go on, four dates that i was excited about, and four dates that were fun.  he took me to dinner, movies, we went bowling (highly recommend this as a date, it was so much fun), took me to my favorite mexican restaurant, and even cooked me dinner (it was delicious)....you are probably wondering, then why am i acting or talking like there may not be a fifth... because there will not be, and i am sad about it.

when you pray for something for so long and it is your greatest heart's desire, you can't just throw all caution to wind and compromise or settle just because a guy is charming, attractive, successful, and treats you well... you see, he was missing the biggest piece of the puzzle... he didn't love Jesus.  a lot of my friends weighed in and had their opinions on this, but i know in my heart that RJ wasn't God's best for me right now.  we were raised with different beliefs, and while i do think he had potential and was willing to come to church with me (he said he would), he didn't live a life following Christ at this time.  i know i could have taken a chance and prayed daily that he would come to know the Lord, and be the spiritual leader i want in a husband, there also could have been a chance that he didn't and then i could have fallen in love with him and it been much harder.  so, tonight, i made the difficult decision to tell him that we couldn't hang out any longer. 

i am clinging to my faith and my trust in knowing that ultimately God already knows and he has all of this taken care of.  while i am sad tonight, i know that i made the right decision.  i would rather be single than in a relationship or a marriage with a non-believer.  i cannot even imagine going through life without Christ in the center of a marriage.  marriage is hard enough from what i have been told, so i don't want other factors making it more difficult.

today our pastor, Chris, delivered an amazing message (i highly recommend you listen to it... go to New Charlotte Church's website, download the podcast) on Ruth and at some point Chris said.... "For all of you who are single and praying for your future husband or wife and praying that God will send him or her soon, stop praying that prayer.  Instead, pray that God will make you the wife or husband you need to be for your future spouse."  It is so true, I want to be ready when I meet him.  God already has him picked out:)

flat matt

so, since i haven't been documenting all of my dating adventures, i'm going to go back in the dating reel and highlight a few, more than anything i want to remember these and some are just too good to forget.

i will start by saying that this one, was genuinely a really nice guy, and absolutely EVERYTHING i say i want on paper, but when it came down to it, his personality to me, was like a dead fish.  he was probably the first real christian guy that had actually taken me on a date and pursued me the way someone who is modeling Christ's heart should.

i was setup with this guy, who was a few years younger than me, but our first date was at firebirds in northlake.  conversation flowed and we actually had a great time.  we talked about so much and stayed at dinner for like three hours.  he was a perfect gentleman.  one thing to note, homeboy was a CPA, and i gathered pretty quickly that he was pretty frugal, you'll see why in a second.  so, i like a steak and a good potato, but i really always feel like i should order a kid's size portion and another quirky thing about me is that i do not really ever eat leftovers.  maybe i'll eat pizza or a few other items, but a general rule is that i don't like anything the second time around.  so, i order my favorite steak at firebirds (even though i feel bad, as i know i will probably eat like 1/3 of it) and i'm thinking we don't know each other well enough for me to ask him to take my leftovers, so i'm going to feel even worse.  so at the end of the meal, the waiter comes and i say, "no i don't need a box."  after the waiter takes my plate, flat matt looks at me in complete disbelief, and says, "was something wrong with the steak?"  i am like, no it was delicious, but i don't eat leftovers.  he made me feel horrible for not offering them to him.  he was completely shocked that i left all of that good steak go to waste and that he just paid for it, haha.  other than this, first date was a success.

second date arrives, and he plans for us to see a movie in the middle of the afternoon on a sunday.  i am okay with that, but he calls and only gives me two options.  the help or courageous.  i had already seen the help, which was phenominal, but it made me cry like a baby, no literally, uncontrollable crying and he knew that i had seen it.  as for courageous, he had just seen it the wednesday prior, and i had heard that it was good, but very heavy.  it was a christian movie, and it wasn't that i didn't want to see it, but i just didn't want to be sad on a date.  so, i asked if there were any other options and he simply said no.  wow, okay.  so, i was a little irritated that i had to watch one of these, and didn't really want to see either, so i told him let's flip a coin to decide.... we did and courageous won (i was less than thrilled).  it was a really good movie with a good message, but again, definitely not a good date movie.  once we got back in his car after the movie was over, he wanted to talk about it and the message it sent to it's viewers.  i jokingly said, it was so heavy and i am not going to lie, i really love a romantic comedy.  he said, so you would say a romantic comedy is like a guilty please for you... my response, (laughing a bit), "um, well, i guess you could say that, but there are probably a lot of other things i would really consider my guilty pleasures."  sounds like we will not be watching chick flicks, like ever, awesome.  we then went to the italian pie, which is delicious, by the way.  he let me look over the menu and then i told him i wanted the bbq chicken pizza, and he said, okay great, we can order one pizza and split it, wait what, we are sharing meals now.  i guess after he saw me waste so much at the first place, he was going to make sure that didn't happen again.  the thing is though, i can eat some pizza and i do eat leftovers with pizza, haha.  it wasn't a big deal, but i saw mr. frugal coming out again.

so, the third date arrives, and he says we are going to go watch football with some friends of his.  i am like, okay great, i love football so i should be good to go.  we go over to his married friend's house and the thing he and i were not that comfortable with each other yet.  we watched football for approximately 6 hours... we took a small break for froyo, but it was a long day.  when we finally arrived back at his place, i was tired but was looking forward to us talking a little more and getting to know each other more since we had been with multiple couples and his friends all day. 

i need to interrupt and tell you that he had not mdae me feel as though he was very interested in me at all, other than he continually ask to hang out or go on dates.  because of my past, i am so used to guys kissing on the first date (if there even was a date), so the fact that he was not even coming within 10 feet of me, was a little different and odd to me.  by the third date, and he still would not even sit close to me, i was beginning to wonder if we were staying in the friend zone.... so i decided to have a little talk with him.  i will preface what i told him next with, i now know i was a little too harsh and at this point, i know that a guy that respects me and takes his time genuinely getting to know me would be so refreshing and a complete blessing, but for entertainment purposes, here goes....

i told him that i got the impression that he had read a lot of books on dating (too much to type as to why i knew this) and that while john piper, tim keller, joshua harris, etc... are all great authors with great dating guidelines and perhaps steps as to how you should approach dating in the christian world, that was real life and that in this particular situation between me and him, he had made me feel as though we were staying in the friendzone forever.  i told him that there are small, simple, subtle ways a guy can make a girl know he is interested without kissing her, like putting his hand on her back when going into a place, or holding her hand during a movie, or something.  i am sure i said a lot more, because i really don't hold back, can get me in trouble sometimes, but oh well, what can you do, i am trying to work on it. 

so, i prayed and tried to see if i could maybe make there be some chemistry there, but unfortunately there was not.  he was too much of a routine, scheduler, planner (haha, sounds like me) and sometimes i feel as though i need someone who is different than me, like i don't want to date the male version of me.  i want someone who isn't afraid of spontaniety, who gives me more options that two movies, who can relax a little...

i think he is very happy dating someone else now and that is great.  he really does deserve someone awesome, because like i said he has a lot going for him and he has a heart for Jesus, which is his best quality.

heartache...

for someone who has been single since college, which is too many years to type out, i tend to get lonely and sad a lot, but i am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who has provided so many lessons in this season of waiting.  the truth is, i may never get married, and i have to be okay with that, even though anyone who knows me knows that it is my greatest heart's desire to be a wife and a mom.  i feel like God has taught me so much in the past year or two, and i really have chosen joy, but i definitely still have moments of doubt, moments of sadness, and just straight up loneliness. 

i'll forewarn you, this is not a funny post, so don't feel obligated to continue reading, but this is part of my dating journey and maybe a little glimpse into ,my past, so i am about to get a little personal.  i think this is a little therapeutic and maybe helping me process this season. 

throughout college, i wasn't taken on a single date.  every single guy that was interested in me, only wanted to fool around and hang out in our dorms, never once did any of them want to take me out in public.  to a girl who is 18-21, this does quite the number on your self-esteem.  i've struggled with self worth, self-confidence, all the self words my whole life, so this has caused lots of problems in my adult life, but i am so thankful for my relationship with God and how much HE LOVES me and for Psalm 139.  that Psalm reminds me how I was specifically created and that I AM WONDERFULLY MADE.  i think i could cry every time i read it.  i have seen my counselor here in charlotte for a couple years now and we have made so much progress in this area, self-confidence and self- worth and i love how God has rewired the way i have felt about myself basically my whole life.

so basically, the first 6 years or so out of college, i still didn't really go on dates.  maybe 1 every other year or something ridiculous, but there were a lot of factors:: 1) i was incredibly picky  2) i was overweight and didn't love myself  3) i wasn't in a good place in my relationship with God.  when i finally lost all the weight, got right with God and really started focusing on my relationship with the Lord, i got enough confidence to do online dating... now, i have the option to date and date a lot.  this is like a whole new experience for me.  in the last two years or so, i have probably gone on about 12 -15 dates or so.  this is more than my entire life combined.  i feel like i am good judge of character, but sometimes i can be completely misguided....

i feel like i ask all the right questions prior.  i don't care how upfront or in their face it is, i ask straight up about their faith and if they love jesus, because it is hard to tell in a profile on match.com. if they say, not important, i say, well good luck in your search.  if they are honest and say it is a work in progress, i try to be graceful and not judgemental, and at least meet them, but maybe i shouldn't.  if they say it is very important, i just want to see the fruit in his life.

all of this is to say that recently with all of this dating i have had some experiences that have taken me back to that 19 year old girl.  how can i be reading these guys so wrong?  how is it that i am telling you how important my faith is, how i want a guy that respects me and the decisions i have made, that i want Christ to be at the center of my relationship, but yet they aren't hearing any of this... dating is so hard.  i have made all of this progress over the years since college.  God and I have worked on this so much and i have been able to tell such a huge difference not being so negative about my self-imagine/worth, but then to have these guys only want physical stuff, it is like all those thoughts from that 19 girl come flooding back.  today has been such a hard day.  all i can do is combat it with TRUTH.  i know i am so much better than these guys; clearly if that is happening he wasn't the one.  i feel so confused...
i get asked all the time, "why are you still single at 30?" or i hear people say, "kelsey is just so picky."  i feel like i try to be so open to the dating process and give guys a chance.  what i really want to say to those who always think it is me being picky is, yeah, i am, but i have morals and beliefs that i will not compromise on and until i find a guy that respects me, i will continue to be as picky as i want to be.  i would rather be single than to settle for temporary happiness with a man that does not love Jesus.  i cannot even imagine the heartache that would involve.  as for the reason i am still single at 30, this is all part of God's plan... we aren't supposed to ask why, but instead of asking why, my only request would just be, can i just be left alone until i meet my future husband, dating is for the birds, haha.

tonight, all i can think to do is go read more TRUTH and remind myself that my self-worth is never nor ever will be determined by what some guy thinks of me.

sorry for such a depressing post, but i named this blog hope, humor, and heartache, so i guess tonight's is part of the heartache...

RJ Gators

so my bff, lindsey, nicknames every guy that i talk to or go on a date with, which is awesome, so sunday night's date got the nick name of RJ Gators (which used to be a restaurant we went to in high school a lot).  the restaurant was in gastonia, but i think it is closed now.  the guy's name is RJ, so that is what his nickname is.  bless her for trying to keep up with all of them, she tries really hard, not as easy task, ha. 

so, we talked once before we decided to meet, and i will preface by saying, that this date, isn't a horrible experience, he was actually normal.  we met up at firebirds.  we had to wait an hour for dinner (who knew on a sunday night it would be so crowded), but it gave us more time to talk.  he works for nascar, so thankful my family members are huge nascar fans, as i wasn't totally lost in this part of the convo, haha.  conversation flowed for the most part, although we all know i have no problem talking and can talk to a sign post, most of the time.  i had told him on friday when we talked that i was going to dinner and a movie with my two best friends on saturday night, so he asked how safe haven was, unfortnately due to the blizzard like conditions we received saturday night our plans were cancelled.  i told him we didn't get to see it.  i had told lindsey prior to the date, that if it went well, maybe he and i could go see it.  so, the date went well, and we did go see it.  in retrospect, probably shouldn't have gone to see such a romantic movie on a first date, but you live and you learn. nothing crazy, just super romantic and it was a first date, haha.

my only caution flags are that he has been married and the reason for the divorce was that they both had super successful careers and traveled a lot.  she got a huge promotion and was transferred to atlanta and neither was willing to sacrifice their career, so they amlicably split.  they are still friends, what???  in addition, he still sees her sister's kids some, as they were his niece and nephew at one point in time, that was a lot to take in, so i just said, oh okay.

i actually want to go on a second date with him, yes i said that... and that is a first in a long time.  as for where he stands in his relationship with jesus, he said it is a work in progress and it definitely needs improvement.  i understand that and am not one to judge, so that remains to be seen, but at least he didn't lie and say he is a devout christian knowing he isn't just to go on a date with me.  i think this guy could have some potential, so we will see.

gators love (he went to UF)

so last week i went out with a guy (on tuesday) who had a few "red flags" from the start, but someone recently told me i need to call them caution flags instead, as red flags are like really bad or deal breakers, so i will say he had caution flags. 

caution flags::

1. he was catholic, not for me, but when i asked him about it, he said he wasn't active in any church and would be open to a discussion or going to other churches
2. he openly discussed how much he loved to drink, really

so, we both discussed how much we hated the talking, texting, or emailing for weeks on end prior to meeting, so we decided we would rather meet quickly and see if there was a spark or not.  so, funny story, i had had lasik and wanted to wait to meet him when i could wear eye makeup, so i kept telling him thursday would work best, he said that didn't really work for him. he asked if he could call and discuss, and i said yes. when he called, he said, "the reason thursday doesn't work is because it is valentine's day."  i started dying laughing, clearly i have been single so long, i completely forgot that it was even v-day, such a ridiculous holiday, if you ask me.

so, we made plans to meet last tuesday and i would just wear minimal eye make up, i know the rule follower breaking rules, haha.  first of all, he looks (while this is not the most important thing), it is factors into part of it.  from the waist up, he was very attractive, but something was off.  he kind of waddled, like a pregnant women.  i won't harp on this, but it was off-putting.  if he had had every other quality i wanted, i would have gotten past this, but he did not.

he had a great personality, made me laugh a lot, but we did not add up in a lot of different areas.  he talked a lot about his love of drinking.  i told him that i really don't like to drink.  i said, i am a lightweight and really could do without it.  he said, "well this works out perfectly, because i have always wanted a permanent DD."  i was like, really?  i know he thought it was funny, but i didn't agree, as i really don't want to be with an alcoholic.  he then went on to explain that he doesn't go to church, but wanted to know if i would be open to attending a catholic service with him.  i stumbled on my answer, as i wanted to be nice and not sound like i was speaking bad of his beliefs but the truth is, i am very invested in my church and i do not want to go to a service with him when he is not invested anywhere.  he said he loves a traditional church service, i do not.  big differences here.

he also only wanted to meet me for drinks, not coffee or for a meal, this is also something i do not like.  if you paid attention to what i like, then you would know that drinks would never be my idea of a good first date. 

so, unfortunately, we were not a good pair, he wasn't a bad date, but we won't be going on a 2nd.  i think some girls lose sight of what is important and would go back on dates with guys because they have that initial spark or because he has a great personality, but in my heart i know that all relationships have to have God in the center or it will never work.  i would rather be single forever than to have to settle with someone in which this is not the case.

sunday's date coming next....

no phone, texting, email relationships for this girl

so one of my really good friends (has a best friend) that has a theory, did you follow all of that?  said friend's best friend thinks when approaching online dating you should not email, text, and talk on the phone for a long period of time investing in this person, as you just don't know if there will be any sparks or chemistry.  i didn't always use this theory, mainly because i typically let the guys lead in how we move forward, but i am thinking she is on to something.  when you spend sometimes two and three weeks getting to know a guy through all forms of communication, you are investing in that person... let me be the first to say, IT IS EXHAUSTING.  i have met quite a few guys after doing things this way all for it to fall FLAT. 

i mentioned in a previous post, jeremy, well this is what was happening in the case with him.  actually there were many things going on with him, but i'll try my best to sum it up.  he had a pretty dull personality, but his faith was so important to him, so i wanted to try and last until he wanted to meet.  so, first he emailed and emailed... finally he asked for my and texted to the point where i felt smothered... then he finally called, after i had to ask him too, really?  why does a 35 year old man need prompting, so frustrating and annoying.  after about two and a half weeks, he never initiated us meeting, so i again had to speak up.  he seemed really shy and actually thought that i didn't want to meet up, really?  he lived between charlotte and columbia, sc, so i get that he would need to drive, but homeboy was also between jobs.  he used to coach college football, but was going to teaching and taking a high school football job so that was even more annoying that he wasn't making plans for us to meet, knowing he wasn't even working. 

i ended up telling him that i wasn't looking for a relationship in which i never met the guy, he flipped out and actually was pretty mean and refused to stop texting me.... this was the day prior to my lasik eye surgery...i will give him this... he is persistent.  he is still texting me, somewhat randomly, but what part of, "I am just not interested in pursuing this further," did he not understand.

i am telling you, i meet the closet weirdos, there are many other things about this guy, but i shortened it to this little snipet, on to the next one and many other fun times ahead:)

i cannot make this stuff up

so, there are a couple of guys that have been emailing/texting recently, so i thought i'd update you on the latest in my dating chronicles, haha

1) jeremy, started out emailing and seemed really nice.  after about a week, asked for my number to "text" didn't even mention calling, of course.  the catch with him is that he is 35.  i thought for sure he would call, how is it that someone who is older than me, doesn't call, so ANNOYING.  regardless, i gave him my number, and i have since learned that he is currently unemployed, because he used to coach college football and is now trying to teach and coach high school football.  this was his decision, according to him, he wanted to move back to SC, so he is waiting to get into the PACE program and is not working.  i don't have an exhaustive list and have tried to be very understanding about a lot of things and be less picky, but really ambition and employment is kind of huge.  it is annoying to me that he is not working and he texts me all through out the day about nothing.  i am working and i am busy.  i thought i'd post you a pick of the nonsense he sends me all throughout my day. notice the times, all through my workday. 

2) another guy, whom i will call OJ, had winked at me (some ridiculous feature of match.com) a while back so i emailed him between christmas and new year's... never got a response, which is no big deal.  honestly, i never thought twice and forgot all about him, until the other night.  i am about to go to bed and get an email from him.  he apologizes for delay in response but explains he has a reason.  (if you haven't heard me discuss how guys are somehow drawn to tell me their whole life story on day 1, then you may not think this one is as funny).  so, goes on to explain that shortly after signing up for match, he received a call explaining to him that he had an almost 5 year old son that he wasn't aware of.  he said, obviously my focus has been on him, being a good day, and all of that for the past three weeks, but i am not going to turn down the opportunity to date someone... so if you would like to get to know each other, that would be great, but i understand if not.  seriously, what in the world...

3) i have another guy that is my favorite, but last time that was dangerous and turned out horrible.  i'll call this guy church softball, as my best friend, lindsey, gives them all nicknames.  he is nice, very slow to respond, but seems very normal.  i am praying that if it is in God's will He will orchestrate it and i am not trying to be pushy.

oh and a few more friends have people they want to set me up with, but for now, i'll just leave those alone.  i will say that one is 32 and likes glee, i cannot even imagine, but again, i try to have an open mind and be open to at least meeting guys once:)

if you are married or in a serious relationship, be so very thankful, dating is for the birds, ha!

speed dating, what???

a friend tonight suggested i try speed dating... usually i am up for pretty much anything, but this is enough to make me want to break out in hives.  okay, well no one wants to break out in hives, but i am pretty sure this is nerve-racking as all get out.  you see, i can do online dating and talk to guys one on one, but the thought of being in a room with other girls and guys and being sized up or judged within five to ten minutes, oh dear... and then having to face rejection in person, this could be really fun, really terrible, really funny, so many things all in one.  i may try it, may not, and the best part, these planners made it the day before the most ridiculous holiday on the planet, valentine's day, haha.  wish me luck if i decide to do it:)

favorite no more and maybe some guidelines

to say that sometimes we completely miss the obvious would be an understatement.  in my previous post, i referred to one guy as "favorite" because i was so enjoying texting with him and getting to know him better.  typically i take forever to tell a story, can give you every tiny little detail about a story, but for this one, i cannot. i will tell you some of the details, but know this... i am a very smart girl, and sometimes i make mistakes, but i am beyond thankful for God's protection and His reminders that sometimes we just have to trust HIM. 

favorite and i had been texting a lot last week, and he was very flattering, very flirtacious, and made me laugh a lot.  sometimes i wasn't sure if he was kidding or if was being serious, but overall the only two red flags were his age (27) and a comment he said early on while texting.  as for his age, i am extremely mature and i was just a little worried that a 27 year old may not be mature enough for me, but i know there are many 27 year olds that could be, so i was willing to give it a try.  as for his comment, he asked me early on what i was looking for on match.  i responded by saying that i am open minded and like to meet new people, but ultimately i am looking for something serious/long term.  he responded, "same here, but it is hard to think that someone would meet someone serious on match."  i told him that i have many friends that have, and he said, "good to know it has worked for some, lol."  i told some of my friends about this and some took it different ways, but my intuition said that he probably wasn't looking for the same thing as me. 

he continued texting me, we were getting to know each other, things were going well... friday he asked me if we could hang out.  his text to me said, "let's hang out and watch a movie at your place."  i responded and said, "how about we meet in public first."  this texting exchange went back and forth for quite a while with suggesting many different things or places for us to meet anywhere but my place.  i said, how about coffee, his response, i won't drink coffee at night as it will keep me up.  okay, how about we watch the Oklahoma game vs Texas A&M and get a beer at Duckworth's, his response, i don't drink... do what???  It doesn't say this on his profile.  why i didn't immediately say, forget it we are not meeting up is beyond me, but i had really enjoyed getting to know him and sometimes, no matter how smart we are, guys can be manipulative and flattery gets you a long way.  so, long story short, he somehow convinced me that it was okay that we watch a movie at my place.  this is where i know that i was so wrong, but again, we ALL make mistakes. 

we get upstairs and for a good hour and a half we talk about things, and i thought... Wow, this guy really did just want to come to my place to get to know me.  i was super impressed.  he talked all about how he goes to a local church, he knew the pastor, he was in a small group, and on and on he went.  i was buying whatever he was selling, ha.  after about an hour and a half, he switched (like night and day).  he started by asking if i felt comfortable with him, to which i kind of laughed and said yes, so he asked if he could put his arm around me, i said yes.  after this, it was game on for him.  he turned into a sex-crazed maniac.  he tried everything.  he said very dirty things, and tried everything to get me to do things with him, but i held my ground.  i wasn't 100% shocked by this behavior because this is how all the guys in college treated me, so i was kind of having flashbacks, but i knew that i had to get this guy out of my condo without making him mad.  he continued for at least two hours.  it even got to the point, where he literally exposed himself, begging me to do things to him... i wish i could say that i am making this up, but i am not.  homeboy sat there for at least 20 minutes begging, all while i was begging him to get out of my condo and to put it away.  my best friend who always knows exactly where i am was texting me and i kept responding saying things like, please respond again, or no it isn't going well, etc... so i think the continued dings on my phone made him nervous which then made him want to leave. 

as he was finally leaving, he asked me if i was going to tell my friends, i said, UM, YES.  he said, this has happened to me before, girls tell their friends and they don't hang out with me anymore.  i said, well maybe that should tell you something, you don't respect girls.  he said, its really that i get caught up in the moment and i am so attracted to you, i can't help myself, are you kidding me.  i nearly fell out.  guys are ricidulous. 

i immediately prayed a prayer of praise and thanks, as i am so thankful that God gave me the type of personality that was able to put him in his place.  i am thankful that i was able to get him out of my house and that he has left me alone since then. 

so, the point of this blog is to share a few rules for any of you out there that may decide to try online dating::

1. no matter how comfortable you feel or think a guy is making you feel by phone or text, whatever you do, don't allow him to come to your house on a first meeting (i know this seems obvious and i am smart, but guys can be manipulative)

2. always tell friends (many of them) where you are going... my best friend ALWAYS knows exactly where i am, knows every detail that i do about the guy. 

3. keep your phone close by, just in case:)

4. don't be so scared that you can't have fun, but also be cautious... i think you can do both.

5. don't compromise what you are looking for. 

if nothing else, this most recent experience has made me more aware of the importance of not compromising.  i want a man who loves the Lord and who respects me.  i would honestly rather be single than to find someone who doesn't have a relationship with God or has no faith, as i personally believe that a relationship built without God in the center of it will not last. 

texting versus calling

just a quick little update...

so, recently a lot of the guys i was emailing with on match decided that they wanted to switch forms of communication by getting my number.  back in the day, this may have been a lot harder to manage (sounds like i am dating a lot of guys, but i am not.. read on... i explain), but 99% of them text only, they never call.  i am talker, i love to talk and i like to learn more about the guy too.  texting is dumb when getting to know someone.  i honestly don't mind texting normally, but in the beginning how in the world can you get to know someone when all you text is one line things, "how are you?" or "how was your day?" it is hard too because you don't know if they are sitting down and want to continually text you or not, i could go on and on with my frustrations, but i will stop there for a minute.

so, guy 1 (we will call him "hunter") immediately bypassed emailing and asked for my number, i gave it to him thinking that he would probably text a lot, not at all... he says hardly anything.  literally he asked me my NYE plans, told me about driving back from a recent family vacay, and i am at a loss as to what i am supposed to say?  is it my responsibility to ask all the questions?  i sure hope not, but if you called me, i could carry on a conversation any day.

so, guy 2 (we will call him "gamecock") emailed a little and then sent me an email that said, "okay, i think we have emailed enough that i think you are legitimate."  ok wow.  so, then he started texting me, and at least he held somewhat of a conversation... he asked one point blank question, "why am i still single?"  really, i have no idea other than to say that clearly it hasn't been in God's will and perfect timing, do i think there is something wrong with me, no, but sometimes we don't know the why and we just have to choose to trust:)  how do you say all of that through text, i had to shorten it a lot, haha.  then he asked another strange question, or at least i thought it was, he asked me to send a picture to him...really.  okay, while it may be okay for others, not judging others here, but this girl is not going to hold her phone up and take a picture of herself nor am i going to stand in front of a mirror to take a picture... it will never happen. period.  so, i said, are the ones on my profile not enough, i had to crop those to have any by myself, i just don't take pictures by myself, not my thing.  apparently, his reasoning was that he wanted to save my picture to my phone number, do you have that many girls that you are dating/talking to that you can't sort them all out or remember them without having a picture?  what.in.the.world.  he seems very nice aside from this, and he is a country boy, so we will see:)

so, guy 3 (my favorite right now), we can call him "favorite."  he seem very normal and my type from the emails we exchanged.  yesterday he asked for my number, "so he could give me a call sometime."  i thought, even more my type, he is actually going to call and not just text.  wrong, he text me today... not that it would be a problem, but i was excited to hear from him, and he just stopped responding, so annoying.

can someone please explain to me why this is the popular form of communication.  i hate it when getting to know a guy.  i want to talk to them, i want to get to know the basics, and it makes it so much harder.  i have a smartphone, so texting isn't hard or anything, i just want to be able to have a conversation that flows.  goodness this generation is rarely focused on one thing, we all are so easily distracted and this only adds fuel to those fires.  i think gamecock and i were texting and he disappeared for like 20 minutes... he came back and said, sorry i was folding clothes?

okay, i guess i am over my venting now, but i will continue to hope and pray that guys will actually call, maybe a mix of the two would be nice:)

oh dating why are you so awkward?