heartache...

for someone who has been single since college, which is too many years to type out, i tend to get lonely and sad a lot, but i am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who has provided so many lessons in this season of waiting.  the truth is, i may never get married, and i have to be okay with that, even though anyone who knows me knows that it is my greatest heart's desire to be a wife and a mom.  i feel like God has taught me so much in the past year or two, and i really have chosen joy, but i definitely still have moments of doubt, moments of sadness, and just straight up loneliness. 

i'll forewarn you, this is not a funny post, so don't feel obligated to continue reading, but this is part of my dating journey and maybe a little glimpse into ,my past, so i am about to get a little personal.  i think this is a little therapeutic and maybe helping me process this season. 

throughout college, i wasn't taken on a single date.  every single guy that was interested in me, only wanted to fool around and hang out in our dorms, never once did any of them want to take me out in public.  to a girl who is 18-21, this does quite the number on your self-esteem.  i've struggled with self worth, self-confidence, all the self words my whole life, so this has caused lots of problems in my adult life, but i am so thankful for my relationship with God and how much HE LOVES me and for Psalm 139.  that Psalm reminds me how I was specifically created and that I AM WONDERFULLY MADE.  i think i could cry every time i read it.  i have seen my counselor here in charlotte for a couple years now and we have made so much progress in this area, self-confidence and self- worth and i love how God has rewired the way i have felt about myself basically my whole life.

so basically, the first 6 years or so out of college, i still didn't really go on dates.  maybe 1 every other year or something ridiculous, but there were a lot of factors:: 1) i was incredibly picky  2) i was overweight and didn't love myself  3) i wasn't in a good place in my relationship with God.  when i finally lost all the weight, got right with God and really started focusing on my relationship with the Lord, i got enough confidence to do online dating... now, i have the option to date and date a lot.  this is like a whole new experience for me.  in the last two years or so, i have probably gone on about 12 -15 dates or so.  this is more than my entire life combined.  i feel like i am good judge of character, but sometimes i can be completely misguided....

i feel like i ask all the right questions prior.  i don't care how upfront or in their face it is, i ask straight up about their faith and if they love jesus, because it is hard to tell in a profile on match.com. if they say, not important, i say, well good luck in your search.  if they are honest and say it is a work in progress, i try to be graceful and not judgemental, and at least meet them, but maybe i shouldn't.  if they say it is very important, i just want to see the fruit in his life.

all of this is to say that recently with all of this dating i have had some experiences that have taken me back to that 19 year old girl.  how can i be reading these guys so wrong?  how is it that i am telling you how important my faith is, how i want a guy that respects me and the decisions i have made, that i want Christ to be at the center of my relationship, but yet they aren't hearing any of this... dating is so hard.  i have made all of this progress over the years since college.  God and I have worked on this so much and i have been able to tell such a huge difference not being so negative about my self-imagine/worth, but then to have these guys only want physical stuff, it is like all those thoughts from that 19 girl come flooding back.  today has been such a hard day.  all i can do is combat it with TRUTH.  i know i am so much better than these guys; clearly if that is happening he wasn't the one.  i feel so confused...
i get asked all the time, "why are you still single at 30?" or i hear people say, "kelsey is just so picky."  i feel like i try to be so open to the dating process and give guys a chance.  what i really want to say to those who always think it is me being picky is, yeah, i am, but i have morals and beliefs that i will not compromise on and until i find a guy that respects me, i will continue to be as picky as i want to be.  i would rather be single than to settle for temporary happiness with a man that does not love Jesus.  i cannot even imagine the heartache that would involve.  as for the reason i am still single at 30, this is all part of God's plan... we aren't supposed to ask why, but instead of asking why, my only request would just be, can i just be left alone until i meet my future husband, dating is for the birds, haha.

tonight, all i can think to do is go read more TRUTH and remind myself that my self-worth is never nor ever will be determined by what some guy thinks of me.

sorry for such a depressing post, but i named this blog hope, humor, and heartache, so i guess tonight's is part of the heartache...