flat matt

so, since i haven't been documenting all of my dating adventures, i'm going to go back in the dating reel and highlight a few, more than anything i want to remember these and some are just too good to forget.

i will start by saying that this one, was genuinely a really nice guy, and absolutely EVERYTHING i say i want on paper, but when it came down to it, his personality to me, was like a dead fish.  he was probably the first real christian guy that had actually taken me on a date and pursued me the way someone who is modeling Christ's heart should.

i was setup with this guy, who was a few years younger than me, but our first date was at firebirds in northlake.  conversation flowed and we actually had a great time.  we talked about so much and stayed at dinner for like three hours.  he was a perfect gentleman.  one thing to note, homeboy was a CPA, and i gathered pretty quickly that he was pretty frugal, you'll see why in a second.  so, i like a steak and a good potato, but i really always feel like i should order a kid's size portion and another quirky thing about me is that i do not really ever eat leftovers.  maybe i'll eat pizza or a few other items, but a general rule is that i don't like anything the second time around.  so, i order my favorite steak at firebirds (even though i feel bad, as i know i will probably eat like 1/3 of it) and i'm thinking we don't know each other well enough for me to ask him to take my leftovers, so i'm going to feel even worse.  so at the end of the meal, the waiter comes and i say, "no i don't need a box."  after the waiter takes my plate, flat matt looks at me in complete disbelief, and says, "was something wrong with the steak?"  i am like, no it was delicious, but i don't eat leftovers.  he made me feel horrible for not offering them to him.  he was completely shocked that i left all of that good steak go to waste and that he just paid for it, haha.  other than this, first date was a success.

second date arrives, and he plans for us to see a movie in the middle of the afternoon on a sunday.  i am okay with that, but he calls and only gives me two options.  the help or courageous.  i had already seen the help, which was phenominal, but it made me cry like a baby, no literally, uncontrollable crying and he knew that i had seen it.  as for courageous, he had just seen it the wednesday prior, and i had heard that it was good, but very heavy.  it was a christian movie, and it wasn't that i didn't want to see it, but i just didn't want to be sad on a date.  so, i asked if there were any other options and he simply said no.  wow, okay.  so, i was a little irritated that i had to watch one of these, and didn't really want to see either, so i told him let's flip a coin to decide.... we did and courageous won (i was less than thrilled).  it was a really good movie with a good message, but again, definitely not a good date movie.  once we got back in his car after the movie was over, he wanted to talk about it and the message it sent to it's viewers.  i jokingly said, it was so heavy and i am not going to lie, i really love a romantic comedy.  he said, so you would say a romantic comedy is like a guilty please for you... my response, (laughing a bit), "um, well, i guess you could say that, but there are probably a lot of other things i would really consider my guilty pleasures."  sounds like we will not be watching chick flicks, like ever, awesome.  we then went to the italian pie, which is delicious, by the way.  he let me look over the menu and then i told him i wanted the bbq chicken pizza, and he said, okay great, we can order one pizza and split it, wait what, we are sharing meals now.  i guess after he saw me waste so much at the first place, he was going to make sure that didn't happen again.  the thing is though, i can eat some pizza and i do eat leftovers with pizza, haha.  it wasn't a big deal, but i saw mr. frugal coming out again.

so, the third date arrives, and he says we are going to go watch football with some friends of his.  i am like, okay great, i love football so i should be good to go.  we go over to his married friend's house and the thing he and i were not that comfortable with each other yet.  we watched football for approximately 6 hours... we took a small break for froyo, but it was a long day.  when we finally arrived back at his place, i was tired but was looking forward to us talking a little more and getting to know each other more since we had been with multiple couples and his friends all day. 

i need to interrupt and tell you that he had not mdae me feel as though he was very interested in me at all, other than he continually ask to hang out or go on dates.  because of my past, i am so used to guys kissing on the first date (if there even was a date), so the fact that he was not even coming within 10 feet of me, was a little different and odd to me.  by the third date, and he still would not even sit close to me, i was beginning to wonder if we were staying in the friend zone.... so i decided to have a little talk with him.  i will preface what i told him next with, i now know i was a little too harsh and at this point, i know that a guy that respects me and takes his time genuinely getting to know me would be so refreshing and a complete blessing, but for entertainment purposes, here goes....

i told him that i got the impression that he had read a lot of books on dating (too much to type as to why i knew this) and that while john piper, tim keller, joshua harris, etc... are all great authors with great dating guidelines and perhaps steps as to how you should approach dating in the christian world, that was real life and that in this particular situation between me and him, he had made me feel as though we were staying in the friendzone forever.  i told him that there are small, simple, subtle ways a guy can make a girl know he is interested without kissing her, like putting his hand on her back when going into a place, or holding her hand during a movie, or something.  i am sure i said a lot more, because i really don't hold back, can get me in trouble sometimes, but oh well, what can you do, i am trying to work on it. 

so, i prayed and tried to see if i could maybe make there be some chemistry there, but unfortunately there was not.  he was too much of a routine, scheduler, planner (haha, sounds like me) and sometimes i feel as though i need someone who is different than me, like i don't want to date the male version of me.  i want someone who isn't afraid of spontaniety, who gives me more options that two movies, who can relax a little...

i think he is very happy dating someone else now and that is great.  he really does deserve someone awesome, because like i said he has a lot going for him and he has a heart for Jesus, which is his best quality.

heartache...

for someone who has been single since college, which is too many years to type out, i tend to get lonely and sad a lot, but i am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who has provided so many lessons in this season of waiting.  the truth is, i may never get married, and i have to be okay with that, even though anyone who knows me knows that it is my greatest heart's desire to be a wife and a mom.  i feel like God has taught me so much in the past year or two, and i really have chosen joy, but i definitely still have moments of doubt, moments of sadness, and just straight up loneliness. 

i'll forewarn you, this is not a funny post, so don't feel obligated to continue reading, but this is part of my dating journey and maybe a little glimpse into ,my past, so i am about to get a little personal.  i think this is a little therapeutic and maybe helping me process this season. 

throughout college, i wasn't taken on a single date.  every single guy that was interested in me, only wanted to fool around and hang out in our dorms, never once did any of them want to take me out in public.  to a girl who is 18-21, this does quite the number on your self-esteem.  i've struggled with self worth, self-confidence, all the self words my whole life, so this has caused lots of problems in my adult life, but i am so thankful for my relationship with God and how much HE LOVES me and for Psalm 139.  that Psalm reminds me how I was specifically created and that I AM WONDERFULLY MADE.  i think i could cry every time i read it.  i have seen my counselor here in charlotte for a couple years now and we have made so much progress in this area, self-confidence and self- worth and i love how God has rewired the way i have felt about myself basically my whole life.

so basically, the first 6 years or so out of college, i still didn't really go on dates.  maybe 1 every other year or something ridiculous, but there were a lot of factors:: 1) i was incredibly picky  2) i was overweight and didn't love myself  3) i wasn't in a good place in my relationship with God.  when i finally lost all the weight, got right with God and really started focusing on my relationship with the Lord, i got enough confidence to do online dating... now, i have the option to date and date a lot.  this is like a whole new experience for me.  in the last two years or so, i have probably gone on about 12 -15 dates or so.  this is more than my entire life combined.  i feel like i am good judge of character, but sometimes i can be completely misguided....

i feel like i ask all the right questions prior.  i don't care how upfront or in their face it is, i ask straight up about their faith and if they love jesus, because it is hard to tell in a profile on match.com. if they say, not important, i say, well good luck in your search.  if they are honest and say it is a work in progress, i try to be graceful and not judgemental, and at least meet them, but maybe i shouldn't.  if they say it is very important, i just want to see the fruit in his life.

all of this is to say that recently with all of this dating i have had some experiences that have taken me back to that 19 year old girl.  how can i be reading these guys so wrong?  how is it that i am telling you how important my faith is, how i want a guy that respects me and the decisions i have made, that i want Christ to be at the center of my relationship, but yet they aren't hearing any of this... dating is so hard.  i have made all of this progress over the years since college.  God and I have worked on this so much and i have been able to tell such a huge difference not being so negative about my self-imagine/worth, but then to have these guys only want physical stuff, it is like all those thoughts from that 19 girl come flooding back.  today has been such a hard day.  all i can do is combat it with TRUTH.  i know i am so much better than these guys; clearly if that is happening he wasn't the one.  i feel so confused...
i get asked all the time, "why are you still single at 30?" or i hear people say, "kelsey is just so picky."  i feel like i try to be so open to the dating process and give guys a chance.  what i really want to say to those who always think it is me being picky is, yeah, i am, but i have morals and beliefs that i will not compromise on and until i find a guy that respects me, i will continue to be as picky as i want to be.  i would rather be single than to settle for temporary happiness with a man that does not love Jesus.  i cannot even imagine the heartache that would involve.  as for the reason i am still single at 30, this is all part of God's plan... we aren't supposed to ask why, but instead of asking why, my only request would just be, can i just be left alone until i meet my future husband, dating is for the birds, haha.

tonight, all i can think to do is go read more TRUTH and remind myself that my self-worth is never nor ever will be determined by what some guy thinks of me.

sorry for such a depressing post, but i named this blog hope, humor, and heartache, so i guess tonight's is part of the heartache...

RJ Gators

so my bff, lindsey, nicknames every guy that i talk to or go on a date with, which is awesome, so sunday night's date got the nick name of RJ Gators (which used to be a restaurant we went to in high school a lot).  the restaurant was in gastonia, but i think it is closed now.  the guy's name is RJ, so that is what his nickname is.  bless her for trying to keep up with all of them, she tries really hard, not as easy task, ha. 

so, we talked once before we decided to meet, and i will preface by saying, that this date, isn't a horrible experience, he was actually normal.  we met up at firebirds.  we had to wait an hour for dinner (who knew on a sunday night it would be so crowded), but it gave us more time to talk.  he works for nascar, so thankful my family members are huge nascar fans, as i wasn't totally lost in this part of the convo, haha.  conversation flowed for the most part, although we all know i have no problem talking and can talk to a sign post, most of the time.  i had told him on friday when we talked that i was going to dinner and a movie with my two best friends on saturday night, so he asked how safe haven was, unfortnately due to the blizzard like conditions we received saturday night our plans were cancelled.  i told him we didn't get to see it.  i had told lindsey prior to the date, that if it went well, maybe he and i could go see it.  so, the date went well, and we did go see it.  in retrospect, probably shouldn't have gone to see such a romantic movie on a first date, but you live and you learn. nothing crazy, just super romantic and it was a first date, haha.

my only caution flags are that he has been married and the reason for the divorce was that they both had super successful careers and traveled a lot.  she got a huge promotion and was transferred to atlanta and neither was willing to sacrifice their career, so they amlicably split.  they are still friends, what???  in addition, he still sees her sister's kids some, as they were his niece and nephew at one point in time, that was a lot to take in, so i just said, oh okay.

i actually want to go on a second date with him, yes i said that... and that is a first in a long time.  as for where he stands in his relationship with jesus, he said it is a work in progress and it definitely needs improvement.  i understand that and am not one to judge, so that remains to be seen, but at least he didn't lie and say he is a devout christian knowing he isn't just to go on a date with me.  i think this guy could have some potential, so we will see.

gators love (he went to UF)

so last week i went out with a guy (on tuesday) who had a few "red flags" from the start, but someone recently told me i need to call them caution flags instead, as red flags are like really bad or deal breakers, so i will say he had caution flags. 

caution flags::

1. he was catholic, not for me, but when i asked him about it, he said he wasn't active in any church and would be open to a discussion or going to other churches
2. he openly discussed how much he loved to drink, really

so, we both discussed how much we hated the talking, texting, or emailing for weeks on end prior to meeting, so we decided we would rather meet quickly and see if there was a spark or not.  so, funny story, i had had lasik and wanted to wait to meet him when i could wear eye makeup, so i kept telling him thursday would work best, he said that didn't really work for him. he asked if he could call and discuss, and i said yes. when he called, he said, "the reason thursday doesn't work is because it is valentine's day."  i started dying laughing, clearly i have been single so long, i completely forgot that it was even v-day, such a ridiculous holiday, if you ask me.

so, we made plans to meet last tuesday and i would just wear minimal eye make up, i know the rule follower breaking rules, haha.  first of all, he looks (while this is not the most important thing), it is factors into part of it.  from the waist up, he was very attractive, but something was off.  he kind of waddled, like a pregnant women.  i won't harp on this, but it was off-putting.  if he had had every other quality i wanted, i would have gotten past this, but he did not.

he had a great personality, made me laugh a lot, but we did not add up in a lot of different areas.  he talked a lot about his love of drinking.  i told him that i really don't like to drink.  i said, i am a lightweight and really could do without it.  he said, "well this works out perfectly, because i have always wanted a permanent DD."  i was like, really?  i know he thought it was funny, but i didn't agree, as i really don't want to be with an alcoholic.  he then went on to explain that he doesn't go to church, but wanted to know if i would be open to attending a catholic service with him.  i stumbled on my answer, as i wanted to be nice and not sound like i was speaking bad of his beliefs but the truth is, i am very invested in my church and i do not want to go to a service with him when he is not invested anywhere.  he said he loves a traditional church service, i do not.  big differences here.

he also only wanted to meet me for drinks, not coffee or for a meal, this is also something i do not like.  if you paid attention to what i like, then you would know that drinks would never be my idea of a good first date. 

so, unfortunately, we were not a good pair, he wasn't a bad date, but we won't be going on a 2nd.  i think some girls lose sight of what is important and would go back on dates with guys because they have that initial spark or because he has a great personality, but in my heart i know that all relationships have to have God in the center or it will never work.  i would rather be single forever than to have to settle with someone in which this is not the case.

sunday's date coming next....

no phone, texting, email relationships for this girl

so one of my really good friends (has a best friend) that has a theory, did you follow all of that?  said friend's best friend thinks when approaching online dating you should not email, text, and talk on the phone for a long period of time investing in this person, as you just don't know if there will be any sparks or chemistry.  i didn't always use this theory, mainly because i typically let the guys lead in how we move forward, but i am thinking she is on to something.  when you spend sometimes two and three weeks getting to know a guy through all forms of communication, you are investing in that person... let me be the first to say, IT IS EXHAUSTING.  i have met quite a few guys after doing things this way all for it to fall FLAT. 

i mentioned in a previous post, jeremy, well this is what was happening in the case with him.  actually there were many things going on with him, but i'll try my best to sum it up.  he had a pretty dull personality, but his faith was so important to him, so i wanted to try and last until he wanted to meet.  so, first he emailed and emailed... finally he asked for my and texted to the point where i felt smothered... then he finally called, after i had to ask him too, really?  why does a 35 year old man need prompting, so frustrating and annoying.  after about two and a half weeks, he never initiated us meeting, so i again had to speak up.  he seemed really shy and actually thought that i didn't want to meet up, really?  he lived between charlotte and columbia, sc, so i get that he would need to drive, but homeboy was also between jobs.  he used to coach college football, but was going to teaching and taking a high school football job so that was even more annoying that he wasn't making plans for us to meet, knowing he wasn't even working. 

i ended up telling him that i wasn't looking for a relationship in which i never met the guy, he flipped out and actually was pretty mean and refused to stop texting me.... this was the day prior to my lasik eye surgery...i will give him this... he is persistent.  he is still texting me, somewhat randomly, but what part of, "I am just not interested in pursuing this further," did he not understand.

i am telling you, i meet the closet weirdos, there are many other things about this guy, but i shortened it to this little snipet, on to the next one and many other fun times ahead:)