so, i've been praying a lot about this, but i closed my match.com account today. i need a break from the first dates that go horribly wrong, from the exhausting emails and phone conversations, and from letting "not the right ones" know details about me. while many of my single girlfriends may find dating fun or even think of it as a hobby, i do not. i am not necessarily taking a break from dating, if friends want to set me up with someone who legitimently could be a great potential that would be wonderful, but i need a break from the online dating world.
it is funny, about two years ago, i prayed all the time for dates. i felt so alone, so unattractive (that is a whole other story, my struggle with self esteem/confidence), etc and God has answered that prayer, but now my prayer has changed. i no longer want to go on dates, i just want to date my husband. dating, especially the wrong guys, these weirdos, can leave you feeling more empty and lonely. i know that sounds strange, but unless you've experienced a season of going on several first dates, you probably just do not understand.
i am not saying i will never do online dating again, let's face it i work from home (by myself), my church community is AWESOME (but not thriving in the single's community), and i am not sure where else i would meet someone. until then i am going to pray that God will give me patience in the waiting, that i will be joyful/thankful for the awesome friends i have, and that i will be the future wife to my husband one whenever God decides it is time for me to meet him.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
party like a rock star
all guys get a nickname, some are better than others, a nickname isn't always bad, but this one as you can imagine isn't a good one to start out with. this one is brought to you by another online dating guy, which the next post will provide you with an update where i stand with all of that, but here goes...
"party like a rock star" seemed like a very nice guy, a little younger than me (27) and we all know i am pretty mature for my age, so i approach younger than me with caution to start. he grew up in GA, loves nascar and has always wanted to be a driver. he is actually best friends with a current driver in the big series, and when he first moved to charlotte that is what he did, he worked for said best friend, on his team. now, he works in sales as a brake distributor for the smaller circuit, maybe dirt track races or something of that nature. our first two phone conversations were great, i laughed a lot, but there were caution flags (no pun intended here with the nascar theme, ha). he mentioned that he loves to head to the lake and his group of friends loves to drink. he said when his guy friends get a night off from their girlfriends and wives, they party hard to the point of blacking out. my reaction:: say what? i am 30 years old and never have i reached a point of blacking out, nor do i desire too. i rarely drink, more just on a casual/social basis with friends, so this is one of the most unattractive things to me. well, there are a lot of unattractive things, but this ranks high up there. he tried to tell me that he is somewhat done with this phase of his life, and i am just not sure if i believe it. not trying to be judgmental, just based off of our continued conversations, i am thinking he is not.
regardless, i still met him prior to my haiti trip, and it was a less than thrilling meeting. i mean, he was so incredibly nice, but there wasn't really a spark, and as with so many of the guys on match... his faith just doesn't seem important. he said he was raised southern baptist, but has lived in charlotte for over a year and doesn't currently attend a church.
i was going to give him a second chance and maybe at least try to grab a bite to eat with him, but now i am thinking what is the point, if he isn't the one, he just isn't. another bites the dust!
"party like a rock star" seemed like a very nice guy, a little younger than me (27) and we all know i am pretty mature for my age, so i approach younger than me with caution to start. he grew up in GA, loves nascar and has always wanted to be a driver. he is actually best friends with a current driver in the big series, and when he first moved to charlotte that is what he did, he worked for said best friend, on his team. now, he works in sales as a brake distributor for the smaller circuit, maybe dirt track races or something of that nature. our first two phone conversations were great, i laughed a lot, but there were caution flags (no pun intended here with the nascar theme, ha). he mentioned that he loves to head to the lake and his group of friends loves to drink. he said when his guy friends get a night off from their girlfriends and wives, they party hard to the point of blacking out. my reaction:: say what? i am 30 years old and never have i reached a point of blacking out, nor do i desire too. i rarely drink, more just on a casual/social basis with friends, so this is one of the most unattractive things to me. well, there are a lot of unattractive things, but this ranks high up there. he tried to tell me that he is somewhat done with this phase of his life, and i am just not sure if i believe it. not trying to be judgmental, just based off of our continued conversations, i am thinking he is not.
regardless, i still met him prior to my haiti trip, and it was a less than thrilling meeting. i mean, he was so incredibly nice, but there wasn't really a spark, and as with so many of the guys on match... his faith just doesn't seem important. he said he was raised southern baptist, but has lived in charlotte for over a year and doesn't currently attend a church.
i was going to give him a second chance and maybe at least try to grab a bite to eat with him, but now i am thinking what is the point, if he isn't the one, he just isn't. another bites the dust!
Monday, June 3, 2013
old school:: senior prom
i am doing a throwback post tonight from my senior prom, because honestly it is just one of those stories that is just too good to not be documented, haha. it surely wasn't funny at the time, but now i can look back and realize how dumb i was at 18.
my senior prom, it was supposed to be the most fun, but it was far from that. to date, in my 18 years, it was one of the worst nights...in high school i was a bit dramatic, i'd like to say i am far less as i have matured, but i do embrace my dramatic side, haha. i went with my the guy that i thought at the time that i loved more than anything, haha. i would do anything for him. we had dated off and on and been an "item" off and on since 8th grade. [sidenote: he got into some trouble, missed a lot of school, and basically dropped out of school. he wasn't going to be able to go to our prom, so i stepped in and asked him to go as my date, and i thought this was going to be the best night of my life. i just knew that he was going to confess his love for me and we were going to be as happy as two people could be. after all, secretly, this is what he was telling me all the time.] one of my best friends at the time, katie, and i were so happy, we didn't know what to do. i was going to my senior prom with the guy that i had basically been in love with since 7th/8th grade, what could go wrong. one minor detail, did i mention, he had a girlfriend? the only good thing i had going for me was that she was a year older and had already graduated, so there was no way she was coming to my prom and ruining my night, right? i am so excited, the prom is in about two weeks, and you guessed it... i found out that he has found another senior to take his girlfriend... as you can imagine, i am crushed. to my 18 year old self, this was the most devastating news, EVER. about a week before the prom, his grandmother called to find out if i had gotten a corsage, i said no, not yet, but that if he couldn't take care of that, my dad would get mine. at this point, i'm thinking, things are not looking good, but i continued to be hopeful. our friends had all rented a stretch escalade, which we were all very excited about and planned to meet up at one of the guy's houses beforehand for pictures. i arrive and my date is nowhere to be found. my friend katie and her boyfriend at the time, tim are desperately trying to cheer me up and provide hope, but i knew things were not looking good. eventually he shows up with his girlfriend. you should probably know there was no room for her in the stretch escalade, so apparently they arranged for her to ride in a lexus following closely behind us (this can't get any worse, right?). please keep reading. his tux matches her dress, his boutonniere matched her dress, the list could keep going. i was completely crushed, like i am pretty sure my heart was in a million pieces, but i was determined to give him multiple chances, because this was "our" night (remember i was 18). if you are wondering, he does acknowledge me, at some point. many of the moms there knew how much i liked him (so i thought loved) and made him take a few snapshots with me... i am pretty sure my mom and grandmother could have killed him. (i wish you guys could have seen them). they wanted me to leave and go meet up with lindsey and crystal, but i refused. so, off we go to get our professional pictures made. we arrive at the studio. now, of course, i am so excited to have professional pictures made with him, and i hear him say, well i only have money to get my picture made with my girlfriend. i immediately reach my breaking point, run to the bathroom, and start crying. tim (katie's boyfriend) runs to the rescue and offers to have his picture taken with me, so i don't have to be alone in my pictures (even typing this i am thinking does this really happen, how pathetic). the photographer overhears what is going on, and he steps up and says, i'll wave the setting fee for your date, he can be in the pictures, but he won't be able to get any of the pictures. so, my date pays for his pictures with his girlfriend and then has his picture made with me. it was awful, the whole room was giving him evil looks, meanwhile everyone wants to pick me up and take me out of there. the photographer is saying things like, "get a little closer, act like you love each other." we survive the picture studio, just barely and we head to dinner at a japense steakhouse. don't worry, he doesn't sit by me, nor does he pay for my dinner... he pays for hers, so i call my parents and ask if i can use their credit card (or maybe they were going to put more money in my account, something like that), which they of course said yes. i'm pretty sure malia walker was already out of the driveway on her way to get me, but i had to calmly get her to reverse the car, haha. so now it is time to finally go to the prom. we stopped at a gas station first, and "my guy" gets me in the limo by myself, i was crying again, and he gets in the floor and he starts telling me that it is going to be okay, that we are going to have a good time at the prom, he is going to escort me in, and we are going to dance, yada yada... then he kisses me. (of course, no one knows, it was all secretive.) seriously, why didn't i smack him upside of his head??? so, we get out of the limo, he has proceeded to take off his button up, so now he only has a vest and jacket on... he escorts his girlfriend into the prom, dances with her, and leaves me at my senior prom... he actually never spoke to me. at the after prom party, he told my friend katie, that i deserved what i got and i had to hear him say it...(he actually called me a few choice words, but i'll keep the blog g-rated)
we didn't speak for nearly 6 years, until katie's wedding day. i have no hard feelings now, it is in past, and honestly i know it was God's protection that i left Lincolnton and went to college and we never spoke again.
i sure know how to pick them... so fun!
my senior prom, it was supposed to be the most fun, but it was far from that. to date, in my 18 years, it was one of the worst nights...in high school i was a bit dramatic, i'd like to say i am far less as i have matured, but i do embrace my dramatic side, haha. i went with my the guy that i thought at the time that i loved more than anything, haha. i would do anything for him. we had dated off and on and been an "item" off and on since 8th grade. [sidenote: he got into some trouble, missed a lot of school, and basically dropped out of school. he wasn't going to be able to go to our prom, so i stepped in and asked him to go as my date, and i thought this was going to be the best night of my life. i just knew that he was going to confess his love for me and we were going to be as happy as two people could be. after all, secretly, this is what he was telling me all the time.] one of my best friends at the time, katie, and i were so happy, we didn't know what to do. i was going to my senior prom with the guy that i had basically been in love with since 7th/8th grade, what could go wrong. one minor detail, did i mention, he had a girlfriend? the only good thing i had going for me was that she was a year older and had already graduated, so there was no way she was coming to my prom and ruining my night, right? i am so excited, the prom is in about two weeks, and you guessed it... i found out that he has found another senior to take his girlfriend... as you can imagine, i am crushed. to my 18 year old self, this was the most devastating news, EVER. about a week before the prom, his grandmother called to find out if i had gotten a corsage, i said no, not yet, but that if he couldn't take care of that, my dad would get mine. at this point, i'm thinking, things are not looking good, but i continued to be hopeful. our friends had all rented a stretch escalade, which we were all very excited about and planned to meet up at one of the guy's houses beforehand for pictures. i arrive and my date is nowhere to be found. my friend katie and her boyfriend at the time, tim are desperately trying to cheer me up and provide hope, but i knew things were not looking good. eventually he shows up with his girlfriend. you should probably know there was no room for her in the stretch escalade, so apparently they arranged for her to ride in a lexus following closely behind us (this can't get any worse, right?). please keep reading. his tux matches her dress, his boutonniere matched her dress, the list could keep going. i was completely crushed, like i am pretty sure my heart was in a million pieces, but i was determined to give him multiple chances, because this was "our" night (remember i was 18). if you are wondering, he does acknowledge me, at some point. many of the moms there knew how much i liked him (so i thought loved) and made him take a few snapshots with me... i am pretty sure my mom and grandmother could have killed him. (i wish you guys could have seen them). they wanted me to leave and go meet up with lindsey and crystal, but i refused. so, off we go to get our professional pictures made. we arrive at the studio. now, of course, i am so excited to have professional pictures made with him, and i hear him say, well i only have money to get my picture made with my girlfriend. i immediately reach my breaking point, run to the bathroom, and start crying. tim (katie's boyfriend) runs to the rescue and offers to have his picture taken with me, so i don't have to be alone in my pictures (even typing this i am thinking does this really happen, how pathetic). the photographer overhears what is going on, and he steps up and says, i'll wave the setting fee for your date, he can be in the pictures, but he won't be able to get any of the pictures. so, my date pays for his pictures with his girlfriend and then has his picture made with me. it was awful, the whole room was giving him evil looks, meanwhile everyone wants to pick me up and take me out of there. the photographer is saying things like, "get a little closer, act like you love each other." we survive the picture studio, just barely and we head to dinner at a japense steakhouse. don't worry, he doesn't sit by me, nor does he pay for my dinner... he pays for hers, so i call my parents and ask if i can use their credit card (or maybe they were going to put more money in my account, something like that), which they of course said yes. i'm pretty sure malia walker was already out of the driveway on her way to get me, but i had to calmly get her to reverse the car, haha. so now it is time to finally go to the prom. we stopped at a gas station first, and "my guy" gets me in the limo by myself, i was crying again, and he gets in the floor and he starts telling me that it is going to be okay, that we are going to have a good time at the prom, he is going to escort me in, and we are going to dance, yada yada... then he kisses me. (of course, no one knows, it was all secretive.) seriously, why didn't i smack him upside of his head??? so, we get out of the limo, he has proceeded to take off his button up, so now he only has a vest and jacket on... he escorts his girlfriend into the prom, dances with her, and leaves me at my senior prom... he actually never spoke to me. at the after prom party, he told my friend katie, that i deserved what i got and i had to hear him say it...(he actually called me a few choice words, but i'll keep the blog g-rated)
we didn't speak for nearly 6 years, until katie's wedding day. i have no hard feelings now, it is in past, and honestly i know it was God's protection that i left Lincolnton and went to college and we never spoke again.
i sure know how to pick them... so fun!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
the music man
so, i have been laying low on the dating scene lately and truly trying to trust what is in God's plan. i signed up for six months on match, so it was about to end soon, on may 27th. match has a sixth month guarantee, if you do not meet someone, they will give you six more months for free, not going to lie, i feel so stupid that i would qualify for this, but at this point, i cannot have any pride.... i hide nothing, ha. it was exactly one week before my initial six months was to end, i'd still been checking out the "daily matches," but that was about it. i didn't know if God was trying to tell me to close my account on the 27th or opt into the additional six months. so, a week prior, i was about to go to bed and was looking through the matches, and a guy pops up that i could hardly believe (haha, i laugh at myself, please feel free to join me)...
here is a quick run down
* he works in financial sales at a bank - is employed, haha
* he talked about his faith and how that was a deal breaker for him (somewhat rare on match in general) - seriously AWESOME
* he is a part time music ministry coordinator at a church (definitely know that his faith is important)
* he likes country music (um, love this)
* he likes four wheelers and target shooting (country boy - check)
* he was cute
* huge carolina fan (GO HEELS)
so, i immediately called lindsey jo and told her and her fiance about said guy. lindsey is constantly telling me that her and andy are praying for me and my future husband. so, i just ask them to pray for clarity, God's will, me to have patience, for this guy to contact me (email me via match), etc. andy said, "well, kelsey, do you want us to pray right now?" note:: we should all make it a habit to pray more often for our friends/family on the spot. i have never in my entire life, heard such a sweet prayer. the fact that God has sent a man to my best friend, who loves her so much, and in turn, he loves her best friend... is seriously the best. i was crying through the whole prayer.
so, back to the post and said guy, he emailed me the next night!!! without boring all of you with lots of random facts about said guy, whose real name was jeremy, but lindsey gave him the nickname of "the music man, we got to know the surface level stuff and had so much in common. i couldn't believe it. he was so responsive, asked a lot of questions, and asked me out, i was excited. this surely isn't my first rodeo, so i didn't start planning my wedding, but i was genuinely hopeful that i was maybe going to meet a normal guy who loved Jesus.
so, friday night was date night. we went to an italian place in the university area, which was so delicious. highly recommend Ciro's if any of you are in the area. afterwards, we walked around the lake and listened to live music. we talked a lot. he was very attentive and asked lots of questions. we ended the night by finding a park bench and sitting and talking for another hour, so it was four hours!!! i honestly didn't see how this date could go wrong. well, the last five minutes, is exactly how it went wrong. while i know this part of any date is nerve-racking for anyone, usually you can say the standard, "i had a good time. i'd love to do it again sometime. drive safe. and call it grace, but this is not how our closing of the date went down at all. while he walked me to my car... he said, "so, it was a nice night. i had a nice time...." gave me a side hug, to which i said, "i had a great time, it was very nice to meet you." (still nothing on his part) so i said, "have a great rest of your weekend and enjoy your saturday." he says, "yeah absolutely you too and please be safe driving home." now, to most this may not be a big deal, but i cannot explain my gut feeling or instincts here, all i know is that i knew in that moment that he more than likely did not have a good enough time to ask me out again.
oddly enough, i didn't have his number. i had given him mine through email earlier in the week, in case he wanted to call to iron out our details or if he should need it for friday, but he never gave me his. i wanted to text him and thank him for dinner, as i tend to always forget, but i wasn't able. i asked a few friends their opinion and they said email him on saturday morning. so, i did and i haven't heard a peep from him. again, i am sure some of think this is normal ,part of some guy code or something, but i am not buying it.
regardless, i am a little bummed, but this isn't my first time dealing with rejection. i am trying harder than i have ever tried before to trust HIS plan and to remember that there is nothing i can do to fix this. His plans are always better, and I need to give it all to him.
UPDATE:: he did have enough respect to at least email me back and say that he isn't interested, which i appreciate. honestly, it speaks volumes to someone's character if they tell you without just disappearing, so kudos to him for that!
here is a quick run down
* he works in financial sales at a bank - is employed, haha
* he talked about his faith and how that was a deal breaker for him (somewhat rare on match in general) - seriously AWESOME
* he is a part time music ministry coordinator at a church (definitely know that his faith is important)
* he likes country music (um, love this)
* he likes four wheelers and target shooting (country boy - check)
* he was cute
* huge carolina fan (GO HEELS)
so, i immediately called lindsey jo and told her and her fiance about said guy. lindsey is constantly telling me that her and andy are praying for me and my future husband. so, i just ask them to pray for clarity, God's will, me to have patience, for this guy to contact me (email me via match), etc. andy said, "well, kelsey, do you want us to pray right now?" note:: we should all make it a habit to pray more often for our friends/family on the spot. i have never in my entire life, heard such a sweet prayer. the fact that God has sent a man to my best friend, who loves her so much, and in turn, he loves her best friend... is seriously the best. i was crying through the whole prayer.
so, back to the post and said guy, he emailed me the next night!!! without boring all of you with lots of random facts about said guy, whose real name was jeremy, but lindsey gave him the nickname of "the music man, we got to know the surface level stuff and had so much in common. i couldn't believe it. he was so responsive, asked a lot of questions, and asked me out, i was excited. this surely isn't my first rodeo, so i didn't start planning my wedding, but i was genuinely hopeful that i was maybe going to meet a normal guy who loved Jesus.
so, friday night was date night. we went to an italian place in the university area, which was so delicious. highly recommend Ciro's if any of you are in the area. afterwards, we walked around the lake and listened to live music. we talked a lot. he was very attentive and asked lots of questions. we ended the night by finding a park bench and sitting and talking for another hour, so it was four hours!!! i honestly didn't see how this date could go wrong. well, the last five minutes, is exactly how it went wrong. while i know this part of any date is nerve-racking for anyone, usually you can say the standard, "i had a good time. i'd love to do it again sometime. drive safe. and call it grace, but this is not how our closing of the date went down at all. while he walked me to my car... he said, "so, it was a nice night. i had a nice time...." gave me a side hug, to which i said, "i had a great time, it was very nice to meet you." (still nothing on his part) so i said, "have a great rest of your weekend and enjoy your saturday." he says, "yeah absolutely you too and please be safe driving home." now, to most this may not be a big deal, but i cannot explain my gut feeling or instincts here, all i know is that i knew in that moment that he more than likely did not have a good enough time to ask me out again.
oddly enough, i didn't have his number. i had given him mine through email earlier in the week, in case he wanted to call to iron out our details or if he should need it for friday, but he never gave me his. i wanted to text him and thank him for dinner, as i tend to always forget, but i wasn't able. i asked a few friends their opinion and they said email him on saturday morning. so, i did and i haven't heard a peep from him. again, i am sure some of think this is normal ,part of some guy code or something, but i am not buying it.
regardless, i am a little bummed, but this isn't my first time dealing with rejection. i am trying harder than i have ever tried before to trust HIS plan and to remember that there is nothing i can do to fix this. His plans are always better, and I need to give it all to him.
UPDATE:: he did have enough respect to at least email me back and say that he isn't interested, which i appreciate. honestly, it speaks volumes to someone's character if they tell you without just disappearing, so kudos to him for that!
Friday, May 24, 2013
the new trend
so, now the new thing is guys want to face time or skype before meeting, okay they are taking this technology thing a little too far, what in the world?!? would it be so awful to meet for coffee and not date through technology. the other night a guy asked if we could skype and i said, "no, i prefer to date in person and not have a relationship through modern technology." what in this world guys, get a clue, girls do not want to date through texting, facetime... take it old school. it is funny, i got a text from one of my good friends here in charlotte, of some beautiful flowers. no lie, a guy she was going out with last night, showed up at her door, brought her flowers, opened her door, took her to dinner, and brought her back home:) i was so encouraged that there are guys that still know how to treat a girl:)
an oldie but a goodie
i think this one was my very first online dating experience date, so this was a few years back (don't remind me how long or many times I have tried this, but know that you don't have memberships forever - you have to pay for "subscriptions or memberships by the months).
this guy, worked for BoA uptown, he was good a bit older than me, but seemed realy nice, so we talked on the phone for a while and then planned to meet up. we made plans to meet in a huge shopping center parking lot, because i don't ever let these guys know wehre i live at first, and our plan was to go to Miro (in Ballantyne) and then possibly ice skating. you see, i had just had knee surgery and had just finished PT and recovering from it, which i told him, but apparently he still thought this would be a good idea. generally or if the above had not happened, i would have been 100% on board.
so, we meet up, go to dinner. dinner was fine, but it is truly unnecessary to spend over 100 on dinner. i was still pretty new to professional working scene, so this just seemed like too much for a first date. i still feel like money could be used elsewhere, but i have a shopping addiction, so no judgment here, ha. after dinner, we headed to the ice skating rink. it should be noted that i had had pretty serious knee surgery about 4 months prior, so i had had PT for months and had just been released, which he knew. i am actually pretty good at skating (ice and roller), but when he tried to couple's skate with me on ice, i nearly slapped him. i thought, if you make me fall and i have to go back to PT, we will have major issues. we quickly ended the iceland adventure, so we headed to get coffee... he talked and talked, and i did not. i thought the marathon date would never end. i am pretty sure he said at some point at coffee, he was ready to get ready, STAT. i was terrified, and needless to say, we didn't go back out... but he is so normal in comparison:)
this guy, worked for BoA uptown, he was good a bit older than me, but seemed realy nice, so we talked on the phone for a while and then planned to meet up. we made plans to meet in a huge shopping center parking lot, because i don't ever let these guys know wehre i live at first, and our plan was to go to Miro (in Ballantyne) and then possibly ice skating. you see, i had just had knee surgery and had just finished PT and recovering from it, which i told him, but apparently he still thought this would be a good idea. generally or if the above had not happened, i would have been 100% on board.
so, we meet up, go to dinner. dinner was fine, but it is truly unnecessary to spend over 100 on dinner. i was still pretty new to professional working scene, so this just seemed like too much for a first date. i still feel like money could be used elsewhere, but i have a shopping addiction, so no judgment here, ha. after dinner, we headed to the ice skating rink. it should be noted that i had had pretty serious knee surgery about 4 months prior, so i had had PT for months and had just been released, which he knew. i am actually pretty good at skating (ice and roller), but when he tried to couple's skate with me on ice, i nearly slapped him. i thought, if you make me fall and i have to go back to PT, we will have major issues. we quickly ended the iceland adventure, so we headed to get coffee... he talked and talked, and i did not. i thought the marathon date would never end. i am pretty sure he said at some point at coffee, he was ready to get ready, STAT. i was terrified, and needless to say, we didn't go back out... but he is so normal in comparison:)
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
such a great article...
http://thechristianpundit.org/2012/08/15/it/
the above article sums it up pretty well. i'd rather be single than settle, so i'll keep praying and waiting. God is faithful and has a plan. the bottom line:: Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ. in case you can't click on the link, here is the copy and pasted article...
My husband and I were once with a youth group. There were three kids sitting across from us at a meal: two guys and a girl. The one guy was a computer geek with glasses. The other one was a college student with slightly cooler hair and no glasses. The girl was obviously with him. But while the computer geek was busy serving everyone at the meal, clearing plates and garbage, the college student got angry with the girl for a small accident and poured red juice over her leather jacket and white shirt. She picked the wrong guy, and the juice didn’t seem to change her mind. She is in for some grief if that relationship continues and especially if it leads to marriage.
So to all the young, unmarried Christian girls out there, listen up: who you marry matters. You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change. It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues.
Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living.
1. It will impact you spiritually. If the guy is not a believer, you can stop right there. You have no business yoking a redeemed soul with an unregenerate one, even if he seems open to change. Christ has bought you with a price and it is not an option to give away that blood bought heart to someone who doesn’t know and love your Lord. It will cripple your spiritual development, open up a host of temptations, stifle your prayer life, make regular church going difficult, and cause massive parenting conflict if you have children.
If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Bible reading, family devotions, and public worship? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Christ, or will he leave that to your pastor? Is he going to lead the children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? In church, is he going to help the kids sit well, pray, find the hymn, or will you be the one pointing out what is happening next and helping the family keep up? Many women have married spiritually immature men, thinking that it wasn’t a big issue, or that the man would change, and they were wrong. They bear the scars.
The health of your eternity is at stake. Think carefully.
2. It will impact you emotionally. Is the guy you’re thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re having a hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with something or will he be preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be annoyed when you cry or will he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is he going to going to understand that you are probably more tender than he is, more sensitive to issues and comments, or is he regularly going to run rough shod over your feelings? One woman was struggling to breastfeed her new baby, believing that that was the best thing for her, but it was very difficult. Instead of giving support and encouragement, the husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife working at it. We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have emotional needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self esteem is selfish and should be left alone.
Be careful – a husband can cripple or foster emotional health.
3. It will impact you physically. Is the guy you’re with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter, clothe and feed you? At one point in our marriage, I was worried that there was no employment opportunity. My husband assured me that he would work at McDonalds, dig ditches, clean up roadkill – whatever it took to provide for the family, regardless of his gifts and training. That’s the kind of attitude you want. A man who doesn’t provide for his household is worse than an infidel (I Tim. 5:8). You might have to help ease the financial burden, but unless your husband is disabled or there is another unusual circumstance, you shouldn’t have to carry it yourself.
Will the man you are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives you little smacks, kicks, etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s almost guaranteed that he will abuse you after marriage, and stats show that’s especially true when you are pregnant. Is he going to care for and protect your body or will he hurt it? There are women in churches across America who thought it was no big deal to have little (sort of friendly) punches or slaps from their boyfriends, but who are covering up the bruises from their husbands.
Will the man you are with care for you sexually? Is he going to honour the marriage bed in physical and mental faithfulness to you or will he flirt, feed his porn addiction, or even leave you for another woman? You can’t always predict these issues, but if the seeds or practices are already there, watch out. I recently saw a newly married couple and the husband was flirting openly with another woman. Unless something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster.
Is he going to be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving co-worker once told my sister that after her first sexual encounter, she had trouble walking for a few days because her boyfriend was so rough. In other words, he wasn’t selfless enough to care for the body of the woman he said he loved.
Watch out. Your body needs care and protection.
4. It will impact you mentally. Is the man that you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you deal with your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual development, or will he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? Is he going to help you manage stress so that your mind is not burdened that way, or is he going to let you struggle through issues alone? Is he going to care for you and be thoughtful of you if you are experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? I know of a woman who could handle pregnancy and child birth very well physically but postpartum depression took a huge toll on her mind. The husband overlooked it, continuing to have more children, until his wife ended up in a mental institution.
You might think that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than you think. Consider it seriously.
5. It will impact you relationally. How’s your relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your boyfriend? Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your mother is coming for the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry? Making snide jokes with his friends? Of course, a husband should come first in your priority of relationships, as you both leave father and mother and cleave to one another. But parents are still a big part of the picture. Whatever negative feelings he has about your parents now will probably be amplified after marriage. Your marriage will either strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship with your parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now could be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them.
It’s the same with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at reasonable times, in your home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage healthy relationships with other women, or will he be jealous of normal, biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor younger women and be thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle that?
Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t value the people who love you.
So how will your boyfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or difficult. True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great. Marriage to the wrong person is a nightmare. I’ve been in a church parking lot where the pastor had to call the police to protect a wife from a husband who was trying to stop her from worshiping and being with her family. It’s ugly. Don’t be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry someone whose leadership you can’t follow. Don’t marry someone who is not seeking to love you as Christ loved the church. Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ.
the above article sums it up pretty well. i'd rather be single than settle, so i'll keep praying and waiting. God is faithful and has a plan. the bottom line:: Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ. in case you can't click on the link, here is the copy and pasted article...
My husband and I were once with a youth group. There were three kids sitting across from us at a meal: two guys and a girl. The one guy was a computer geek with glasses. The other one was a college student with slightly cooler hair and no glasses. The girl was obviously with him. But while the computer geek was busy serving everyone at the meal, clearing plates and garbage, the college student got angry with the girl for a small accident and poured red juice over her leather jacket and white shirt. She picked the wrong guy, and the juice didn’t seem to change her mind. She is in for some grief if that relationship continues and especially if it leads to marriage.
So to all the young, unmarried Christian girls out there, listen up: who you marry matters. You might think that the way he treats you isn’t so bad. It’s not going to get better after the wedding. You might think that he’ll change. It’s possible, but most don’t. You might think that you’ll be able to minister to him and help him. Possibly, but if you can’t now, you won’t then, and you will be at risk yourself. A husband should lead and cherish you, not need your counsel for basic personality or behavior issues.
Unless someone married is very frank with you, you can’t understand how much a husband will impact your entire life. Next to salvation there is no other long term event that will change so many areas of your life so deeply. Here are just some of the ways that marriage will impact every aspect of living.
1. It will impact you spiritually. If the guy is not a believer, you can stop right there. You have no business yoking a redeemed soul with an unregenerate one, even if he seems open to change. Christ has bought you with a price and it is not an option to give away that blood bought heart to someone who doesn’t know and love your Lord. It will cripple your spiritual development, open up a host of temptations, stifle your prayer life, make regular church going difficult, and cause massive parenting conflict if you have children.
If the guy is a believer, is he a strong one? Will he lead you in prayer, Bible reading, family devotions, and public worship? Or will you be on your own? Is he going to make spiritual growth a priority or do other things come first? Is he going to ask you how it’s going with your soul so he can help you grow in holiness and love for Christ, or will he leave that to your pastor? Is he going to lead the children in this, or will you have to spearhead that? In church, is he going to help the kids sit well, pray, find the hymn, or will you be the one pointing out what is happening next and helping the family keep up? Many women have married spiritually immature men, thinking that it wasn’t a big issue, or that the man would change, and they were wrong. They bear the scars.
The health of your eternity is at stake. Think carefully.
2. It will impact you emotionally. Is the guy you’re thinking of going to encourage you, love you, be kind to you, and seek to understand you, or will he want to go out with the guys when you’re having a hard night? Will he listen when you are struggling with something or will he be preoccupied with a video game? Is he going to be annoyed when you cry or will he get you Kleenex and give you a hug? Is he going to going to understand that you are probably more tender than he is, more sensitive to issues and comments, or is he regularly going to run rough shod over your feelings? One woman was struggling to breastfeed her new baby, believing that that was the best thing for her, but it was very difficult. Instead of giving support and encouragement, the husband would make mooing sounds whenever he saw his wife working at it. We have to get rid of princess complexes, but we do have emotional needs. Any guy who is uncaring about your feelings and self esteem is selfish and should be left alone.
Be careful – a husband can cripple or foster emotional health.
3. It will impact you physically. Is the guy you’re with going to provide for your basic needs? Will he be able to shelter, clothe and feed you? At one point in our marriage, I was worried that there was no employment opportunity. My husband assured me that he would work at McDonalds, dig ditches, clean up roadkill – whatever it took to provide for the family, regardless of his gifts and training. That’s the kind of attitude you want. A man who doesn’t provide for his household is worse than an infidel (I Tim. 5:8). You might have to help ease the financial burden, but unless your husband is disabled or there is another unusual circumstance, you shouldn’t have to carry it yourself.
Will the man you are with care for your body or abuse it? If he gives you little smacks, kicks, etc. when you’re dating, get away. It’s almost guaranteed that he will abuse you after marriage, and stats show that’s especially true when you are pregnant. Is he going to care for and protect your body or will he hurt it? There are women in churches across America who thought it was no big deal to have little (sort of friendly) punches or slaps from their boyfriends, but who are covering up the bruises from their husbands.
Will the man you are with care for you sexually? Is he going to honour the marriage bed in physical and mental faithfulness to you or will he flirt, feed his porn addiction, or even leave you for another woman? You can’t always predict these issues, but if the seeds or practices are already there, watch out. I recently saw a newly married couple and the husband was flirting openly with another woman. Unless something drastic happens, that marriage is headed for disaster.
Is he going to be tender and gentle to you in bed? An unbelieving co-worker once told my sister that after her first sexual encounter, she had trouble walking for a few days because her boyfriend was so rough. In other words, he wasn’t selfless enough to care for the body of the woman he said he loved.
Watch out. Your body needs care and protection.
4. It will impact you mentally. Is the man that you’re thinking of going to be a source of worry or will he help you deal with your worries? Is he going to encourage your intellectual development, or will he neglect it? Is he going to value your opinions and listen to what you are thinking, or will he disregard your thoughts? Is he going to help you manage stress so that your mind is not burdened that way, or is he going to let you struggle through issues alone? Is he going to care for you and be thoughtful of you if you are experiencing mental strain, or will he ignore it? I know of a woman who could handle pregnancy and child birth very well physically but postpartum depression took a huge toll on her mind. The husband overlooked it, continuing to have more children, until his wife ended up in a mental institution.
You might think that the intellectual or mental side of a marriage is small. It’s bigger than you think. Consider it seriously.
5. It will impact you relationally. How’s your relationship with your mother? Your dad? Do you love them? Does your boyfriend? Fast forward ten years: you tell your husband that your mother is coming for the weekend. Is he excited? Disappointed? Angry? Making snide jokes with his friends? Of course, a husband should come first in your priority of relationships, as you both leave father and mother and cleave to one another. But parents are still a big part of the picture. Whatever negative feelings he has about your parents now will probably be amplified after marriage. Your marriage will either strengthen or damage – even destroy – your relationship with your parents. The people who know you best and love you most right now could be cut out of the picture by a husband who hates them.
It’s the same with sisters and friends. Will they be welcomed, at reasonable times, in your home? Will the guy who you’re with encourage healthy relationships with other women, or will he be jealous of normal, biblical friendships? Will he help you mentor younger women and be thankful when older women mentor you, or will he belittle that?
Don’t sacrifice many good relationships for the sake of one guy who can’t value the people who love you.
So how will your boyfriend do after the vows? Because this is just a sampling of the ways that a husband can bless or curse his wife. The effects are far reaching, long lasting, and either wonderful or difficult. True, there are no perfect men out there. But there are great ones. And it’s better to be single for life than to marry someone who will make your life a burden. Singleness can be great. Marriage to the wrong person is a nightmare. I’ve been in a church parking lot where the pastor had to call the police to protect a wife from a husband who was trying to stop her from worshiping and being with her family. It’s ugly. Don’t be so desperate to get married that your marriage is a grief. If you are in an unhappy marriage, there are ways to get help. But if you’re not married, don’t put yourself in that situation. Don’t marry someone whose leadership you can’t follow. Don’t marry someone who is not seeking to love you as Christ loved the church. Marry someone who knows and demonstrates the love of Christ.
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